Every aspiring Pokémon Master aims to one day “catch ‘em all,” but if the amount of Pokémon merch available on eBay is any indicator, truly accomplishing such an impressive feat might just be impossible. It’s not just that some other trainer can outbid you at the last moment, thwarting your quest. No, it’s just that there is, dare I say, too much Pokémon stuff.
And, just like Pokémon range in quality from the lowly Magikarp to the uber-powerful Mewtwo, so too does the quality eBay’s Pokémon mech. Inspired by SYFY WIRE’s deep-dives into eBay weirdest and coolest Super Mario and Godzilla items, I tried to fill my Pokédex with eBay oddest Pokemon offerings. Here’s what I came up with, starting with the actually kind of cool finds and ending with some truly cursed images that had me feeling like Psyduck.
This decal sticker of the surprised Pikachu meme
There's so going on in the world these days that sometimes the only way to handle the constant deluge of news is to just stare in surprise, somewhat dully slack-jawed, into nothingness. That's why this Pikachu meme has caught on, and that's why I'd be proud to put this image, which I identify with so much, on the back of my car. Buy it now for $2.00.
This T-shirt with a Dabbing Pikachu on it
This is the counterpart to Surprised Pikachu. This is a confident Pikachu who dabs. We'd all like to think that we're Cool Dabbing Pikachu, but we're actually Surprised Pikachu. At least you can wear this aspirational T-shirt, assuming you have enough for the $15.55 starting bid on hand and can fit into a youth-sized shirt.
This Pikachu golf bag
This Pokéball security alarm
With the exception of Meowth (and, like, that weird Slowking from the second movie), Pokémon can only say their own name, but this little keychain attachment lets out an 85-decibel screech. So, if Team Rocket comes, you can let everybody know you’re in trouble. Security is worth $31.45, right?
This T-shirt where Pikachu is Naruto
This is bogus. Naruto has an affinity for wind chakra nature transformations, not lightning. Pikachu should be Sasuke, who has both lightning and fire chakra. No true Naruto fan would spend $4.99 on this insult.
This inflatable Mewtwo (with a color defect on face)
Bidding starts at $325 for this pool toy. Seems a little high for a pool toy, but probably a great price if you're a huge pervert.
This custom-made, steampunk Pikachu bong
Pikachu is not Fire-type, but you know he likes to blaze it. Also, this Pikachu is steampunk, for some reason. It could be yours for only $100.
This Juggalo Pokémon charm
There are no additional details provided for this listing of the Pokémon anime protagonist Ash Ketchum as some sort of angry Juggalo, but it's doubtful that any additional amount of text could've answered all my questions. This'll cost you $14, but the seller also offers a Rick and Morty Juggalo necklace, except it calls Rick "Portal Man."
This Pokéball-themed penis sock
If you're capable of learning the move "Harden," then maybe this horrible "Willy Warmer Cock Sock Peter Heater" will be of interest to you. Only costs $34 Canadian dollars and your dignity.