War of the Worlds (2005)
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Credit: DreamWorks Pictures

The worst genre families to be quarantined with

Contributed by
Apr 27, 2020

Family, whether by blood or by choice, can work your last good nerve. There is always an opportunity to question your love for another human being, primarily when you're confined to one place with them for an extended period. Now that we're all living in our very own dystopian prelude, it's the perfect excuse to talk about some of the more challenging families in the genres of sci-fi and adventure and how you might fare being stuck with any of them.

Sure, this could have been one of those "choose your quarantine house" questions with just a house number and a list of names, but l wanted to take it a step further and help paint a picture. Because there are no winners.

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War of the Worlds (2005)

The Ferriers of War of the Worlds (2005)

Steven Spielberg loves a fractured family unit in his movies. They exist in the real world, but he always adds a little extra mess to make viewers consider if they'd rather deal with the family in question or take on whatever nightmare has everyone running scared. The lead family in 2005's War of the Worlds is definitely one of those families.

Ray Ferrier would be woefully unprepared to shelter in place; his home wasn't even ready for his children to visit on a regular weekend. The only thing he had going was the junk drawer full of take-out menus. And the children are no better than their pint-sized dad. You'll either be amused by Rachel and Robbie treating their dad like a Charles Entertainment Cheese band member as he desperately tries to keep everyone alive or finally understand why he left his home in unvisitable conditions in the first place. You can look forward to surprise hummus. You can also count on Robbie running off to fight the coronavirus with his bare hands wrapped in an American flag. There will be a lot of yelling, but at least the alien invasion will barely get off the ground, since the aliens didn't get their intergalactic vaccinations.

2012 (2009)

The Curtises of 2012

In the movie 2012, the near-end of the world brings a family together. Not only are the cataclysmic events licensed family therapists, but they're also assassins.

Sheltering in place with the Curtis family might not be all that bad if you aren't a soon-to-be step-parent. You'll make it long enough to significantly contribute, but in the final moments of the third act, you'll get taken out by the automatic door at the local Target. Sure, the family will take a moment as a unit to mourn the loss of you, but about five minutes later, the formerly estranged wife and husband will figure it they've never stopped loving each other. Unbeknownst to you, while you all have been participating in Zoom meetings, making cute Tik Toks, and eating your weight in carbs, those two have been rekindling their relationship.

Lost in Space (1998)

The Robinsons of Lost In Space (1998)

The Robinson family from 1998 movie adaption of Lost In Space isn't as stressful as the families in War of the Worlds and 2012 but still challenging enough to end up on this list. This Lost in Space is lacking in sexy robots, but maybe a late-'90s Matt LeBlanc offsets that for you. This quarantine house is dysfunctional enough to be on a few episodes of an unlicensed daytime psychologist TV show. There's your classic strained father and son relationship, an angsty teen daughter, another daughter who's made herself emotionally unavailable, a marriage that might be a little on the rocks, and an uninvited guest who is trying to kill the entire family. The Robinson family might be the most realistic family trading one nightmare for another.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

The Odinsons of Thor: Ragnarok

The Odinsons are a family of gods with god-level drama. Odin is the absolute worst MCU dad and also the worst amongst the other dads on this list. At least the other fathers stick around long enough to try work things out with their children, or, bare minimum, keep them alive. Before sheltering in place begins, Odin would reveal at the very last moment that you all have a secret sister who is on her way to vanquish all of you — except for him, because he has no intention of sticking around to deal with the mess he made. Fun.

Before Hela even arrives, you'd have to deal with the fear of winding up on Loki's YouTube channel, which is just him pulling life-threatening pranks on you and Thor. Remember those quarantine snacks you bought and stashed away? Yeah, they're gone because Thor got to them. Now you're in a house with three beautiful gods craving Ben & Jerry's ice cream, praying the butter knife doesn't turn into a venomous snake, and hoping Hela doesn't crush all of you like she did Mjölnir.

Rampage The Rock & George

Any family who has The Rock as the dad

You will never know peace in this house.

Sure, you've got a dad who could make the jump between two skyscrapers, has a mutated gorilla best friend named George, could bicep curl a helicopter, and knows exactly what to do in the direst of situations. Still, you'll always find yourself in these predicaments because of him. Dwayne Johnson playing the dad in a sci-fi/adventure movie means the family is in for a terrible time. Dad Rock is a magnet for the absolute worst scenarios. With him around, a pandemic would manifest itself into an actual monster just to burst through the living room wall like the Kool-Aid and ruin family movie night.

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