Tolkien Reading Day: 17 of the most fantastical collectibles in the Tolkienverse

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Mar 25, 2017, 10:00 AM EDT

The Tolkienverse is full of strange artifacts — ancient weapons, Elvish engravings, Dwarvish gold, the armless hand of a certain Dark Lord smoldering on the battlefield. Things you totally wish you had in your living room.

While the Tolkien fandom is just as full of action figures and signed posters and prop replicas as any other, there are just as many obscure finds for your Hobbit-hole, dragon's lair, troll cave or forest kingdom. Smoke like Gandalf. Drink like Gimli. Play dice like a Halfling (though there was never anything mentioned about them playing dice). Mount a dragon head over your fireplace like a prized trophy. Even open your mail like Aragorn would if Aragorn had mail.

Whether you're redecorating the castle or just want to kick your hairy Frodo feet up after too much adventuring (and dodging Gollum), there is something in this trove of 17 Tolkien treasures that will put you under its spell. It's all in celebration of Tolkien Reading Day, aka Fall of Sauron Day. March 25!


The Hobbit Collector's Edition Yahtzee

Now you know what Merry and Pippin did to pass their time at the Green Dragon between downing pint after pint and singing and stomping their hairy feet drunkenly on top of the table. Yahtzee! Except, one does not simply play Yahtzee with ordinary cups and dice in Middle-earth. It must be done with gem-encrusted chalices and enchanted dice engraved with powerful magic symbols. You could possibly imbibe Elvish wine or the Shire's finest out of those bedazzled things, which makes me wonder if that was what they were going for all along. Just don’t throw them in the dishwasher.


Smaug Head Mounted Trophy

Never mind that Smaug didn't actually meet his demise by beheading — show proof of having destroyed a dragon by displaying the beast's head above your fireplace, because those faux deer mounts your hipster friends hang on their walls are just so cliché. All you need now is an authentic replica Bard's lethal arrow to legitimize yourself as a true dragon-slayer. In meticulously painted resin, Bilbo's nemesis appears much more alive than your typical taxidermy, with fangs bared, nostrils flared and amber eyes greedily glowing (whether they hunger for gold or Hobbit-flesh is impossible to tell). Too bad he doesn't sing.


Gollum My Precious globe sculpture

This will be your most preciousssss possession whether you use it as a paperweight, a shelf tchotchke or just to frighten away unwanted guests. You could probably also use it to hypnotize yourself into Nazgul-infested nightmares. Gollum will never get his Ring when it's forever encapsulated in a bubble of glass, so his already terrifying face is forever frozen into a snarl so lifelike you almost expect strange noises to start issuing from between those sharp teeth. It should come with a warning label that you might suddenly start hearing hisses and gurgles and the occasional Smeeeeeeeagollllllll in your sleep.


Hobbit feet slippers

After a tiresome time tricking trolls and stalking dragons, what all weary Hobbit feet need is a pair of appropriately hairy slippers that look exactly like … Hobbit feet. They even have toenails. Not to be confused with all those rubbery fake-fur-covered cosplay things seen adventuring at every single convention on Middle-earth, these plush feet are especially for shuffling to second breakfast or a kicking back with a pint of Barliman's Best at the end of a day spent journeying on the road that goes ever on and on. These may or may not give you an insatiable craving for bacon and mushrooms.


Lord of the Rings Collector's Series Pez

You have my sword. And my bow. And my axe. And my candy. While Pez never existed anywhere in the Tolkienverse, it somehow seems fitting that mischievous Peregrins and Tooks who already seem to be on a perpetual sugar high would keep popping them all the way to Mordor. Most of the Fellowship (plus Gollum) have now been immortalized in plastic and are as eerily lifelike as disembodied heads on candy dispensers can get — though the thought of pulling back Gollum's head for a glucose fix doesn't stray too far from the nightmarish Jar-Jar Binks lollipop of Star Wars infamy.


Sauron cookie jar

Just try and stick your hand in this cookie jar — you'll remember too late that it is now trapped in the Dark Lord's maw and your 2AM craving for snickerdoodles will get your fingers incinerated in the fires of Mount Doom. It might just be the most extreme dieting tactic ever. Sauron's flames are also the most awesome explanation you could possibly have for burnt baking. While this is supposed to be just a mundane cookie jar under all that menacing armor, when cookies call to you in the middle of the night like ash nazg gurbatuluk ash nazg gimbatul, don't do it.


Gimli character mug

If there is any race in Middle-earth that can compete for the title of Ultimate Beer Snob with the Hobbits, it's the Dwarves. There's a reason the prospect of malt beer was one of the first things Gimli mentioned to the Fellowship before entering the shadows of Moria and staring back at the skeletons of everyone he thought would be sharing said beer with him. Now you can enjoy a frosty pint of your favorite Dwarven ale in a mug that not only recalls your favorite elf-hater, but actually looks like him down to the braided beard and perma-grumpy expression.


Treebeard incense burner

There may not be a more ironic piece of Middle-earth memorabilia than a talking tree who hates smoke and fire cast in resin as an incense burner. You would almost think he would freak out the moment you lit an incense stick and stuck it in his trunk. Not that he should, because he's made of resin, so he won't end up as ashes by the time you're done meditating to your stick of Zen Blossom. Now Treebeard has no choice but to eternally create smoke, albeit smoke that smells much better than whatever Saruman is burning over there.


Gandalf and Saruman salt and pepper shakers

In the battle of who shall not pass, it depends on who wants to pass the salt — or the pepper. There might be no two more easily distinguishable characters for separating seasonings, since does make sense that Gandalf the Gray should be the official bearer of pepper while Saruman the White should guard the salt. Not that you'd be confronted by a horde of Uruks if you suddenly changed things up (just throw pepper in their eyes if they do appear). They're also magnetic, so the warring wizards are indefinitely locked in battle over who holds the better flavor enhancer.


Hobbit feet bookmark

If you've read to there and back again and can't quite remember where you left off, there's no way you'll forget with these hairy Hobbit feet sticking out of the pages, because it seriously looks like a doll-size Halfling was smashed in your book. It's kind of like the Wicked Witch of the East except without sparkly shoes (this company has her disembodied legs too). The attention to detail down to the dirty toenails is borderline hilarious. While it's unclear whether these appendages belong to Bilbo, Frodo or some random Proudfoot, you will never lose your place in Unfinished Tales again.


Gandalf’s pipe replica

You really can channel Mithrandir and smoke Old Toby in this pipe, because it's made to be functional. Unlike swords and daggers and sundry pieces of mithril armor you can only hang on the wall of your Gollum-cave of treasures (because you know you have one), this is one prop replica you can actually use. It looks just as Gandalf-esque poised at the corner of your mouth even if you don’t happen to have any of the finest tobacco in the Southfarthing. Just don't expect to suddenly be able to create illusions out of smoke. Robe, hat and bag of magical fireworks not included.


Smeagol and Gollum bobbleheads

Feeling Smeagol-ish today? Or are you in full-on Gollum mode? The dual incarnations of the creature known as Gollum have now been cast in resin with disproportionately large heads that bob in a way eerily reminiscent of all his manic twisting and turning. While these have no built-in sound effects, they really don't need any batteries when that meticulously warped face says it all. You can even switch these up on your desk at work depending on whether or not you want the tricksy hobbit from accounting to bother you for the umpteenth time. Warning: keep away from gold rings.


Life-size Orc and Uruk-hai busts

Because the Plato head on your mantelpiece just isn't classy enough, here are two replica busts so realistic you can almost smell the Orcish stench rising from the bowels of the earth, though if you smell anything it's really just latex. Either of these would be a lovely addition to your décor next to that framed photo of Great-Grandma. Lurtz would make an especially striking impression perched on a piano. Not only is this nightmare fodder frighteningly real, but both abominations are life-sized, meaning they could possibly act as decent backup in case your burglar alarm experiences an unexpected breakdown.


Andúril letter opener

Because opening your mail with a legendary beast-defying sword is just that much cooler than anything else, especially if you've got a notice from the IRS that you need to slay. This is not just a letter opener. This is a letter opener re-forged from the shards of Narsil, the sword that (at least temporarily) took down Sauron. It's even engraved with all the Elvish phrases you couldn't read in the movies (and still can't), and comes in its own glass-topped case that almost whispers Andúril … Flame of the West when you lift the lid. The tax man has nothing on Aragorn.


Gauntlet of Sauron wine glass

Is that wine or Orc blood? What you're drinking will always be questionable if it's straight from the mutilated hand of Sauron (presumably right before Isildur hacked the finger wearing the One Ring off). It's a surprise the thing isn't still smoking from battle. While Royal Selangor offers a fantastical collection of wineglasses that that seem to leap straight out of the saga, including the dead kings of Númenor and the face of the Dark Lord himself, his armored claws wrapped around a wineglass take the prize for the creepiest thing you could ever possibly pour vino into. Especially if it's Cabernet.


Lord of the Rings Boeing 747

Unless you have a ticket to New Zealand or a hoard of dragon gold, this is one Precious that will always elude you. The 2002 release of The Fellowship of the Ring was the best excuse ever to plaster Air New Zealand's fleet with mythical maps and Fellowship faces to promote their new brand identity as the literal "Airline to Middle-earth," because tourism. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Who doesn't want to be under the protection of Aragorn's sword or Legolas' bow 40 thousand feet in the air? You can only wonder whether they served Lembas bread in-flight.


Sauron firepit

One marshmallow to rule them all, one marshmallow to find them, one marshmallow to bring them (the chocolate and graham crackers) all and in the darkness bind them (into s'mores). If this isn't the most incredibly gasp-worthy thing to fire up in your backyard this summer, then the dark forces don't know what is. There's just something about a marshmallow toasted in the fires of Mount Doom that makes it that much more amazing than any other confection. Plus, the fact that Sauron now encourages the making and consumption of something as addictive as s'mores is the epitome of evil.