Infinity War tickets are on sale, a new trailer is out, my skin is clear, I am hydrated, and I am ready for more Tom Holland as my favorite webslinger. But let's be real: Tom Holland was definitely made in a Marvel factory to play Spider-Man. What else could explain his uncanny ability to wiggle his way into our hearts and minds and dreams? His unassuming pirouette capability? His unsettling mirroring of fictional character, Peter Parker? How do I know this is true? Friends. I found the memo. I’ll reproduce pieces of it here, along with my exhibits of Tom's I-R-L behavior.
FROM THE DESK OF [REDACTED]
AS DICTATED TO JEREMY [REDACTED]
MODEL SPIDER-MAN 392039842:
Must completely disarm the population with his genuine smiles and openness. Must be a huge fan.
He's got to be a little reckless, right?
You know what, also put in "a little cocky’"— he should be a little bit precocious. May alienate older heroes*.
*Acceptable, as it is keeping in character with Spider-Man.
Clearly, Marvel needed him to be the perfect combination of goofy, excited kid and huge nerd. We, the regular people, won’t love someone who is too perfect or unrelatable. Unless it's Chris Hemsworth.
Must be as close as possible to Peter Parker in terms of physical abilities.
And you know what, let’s make him dance. Of COURSE Spider-Man would be a great dancer! Did you get that Jeremy, yes, are you typing everything I’m saying? No, not including this, why would I want you to include — well just backspace. A typewriter?!?! Why are you using – are you still typing?!
He can do flips. The boy can do flips. And pirouettes. And actually dance like Spider-Man! We didn't stand a chance.
This actor should act like a Real Human Boy. Make mistakes. Be silly. Be authentically teen. What do I mean by that? I don’t know, make him not take his life too seriously.
Reporter: Tom, is it true you got punched in the face?
It's incredible... the work they've done to make him so real.
And have him be too honest. Disarm the reporters! Get them on our side!
HE NEEDS A DOG:
Give him a dog, Jeremy. People like dogs.
Exhibit. Friggin. H:
I'm not saying this is all absolute fact, because I'm not sure that I legally can, but I am saying the evidence strongly suggests that Tom Holland was created by Marvel.