About a week back—that’s approximately 5,000 lifetimes ago, in Twitter years—New Yorker film critic Anthony Lane published a review of Incredibles 2 in which he basically talked about how Elastigirl gave him a boner. Many were outraged about, among other things, a respected publication writing about a family-friendly movie through the lens of sexual objectification. Here, I will do the opposite. I am going to review a porn film and not talk about the sex.
The porn film in question? Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong, the latest pop culture porn parody from the horny bastards over at WoodRocket (Game of Bones, Hamiltoe). It’s just under 30 inche—uh, just under 30 minutes long and was described in the official press release thusly:
After scientists turn the Jurassic Park into a Jurassic Brothel by combining the DNA of dinosaurs and porn stars, Owen and Claire must try to get the sexy dino-ladies off of the island before the dildo volcano erupts and they all meet a sticky & gooey end.
If you’re curious about a Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom parody called Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong, but you don’t want to admit you’re curious about a Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom parody called Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong, this post is for you. But first, the SFW trailer:
First off: Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong is really cheap. Not sexually. (Maybe also sexually?) But budget-wise. It’s… kind of charming? I guess? You know what, yes—I am going to say that, with enough vodka shots in you and a healthy enough appreciation of so-bad-it’s-good cinema, it is kind of hilarious that the fake tail on the main “sexy dino-lady”—named “BLOW,” a sexy take on “BLUE,” though you could’ve just gone with “BLEW,” guys, c’mon—starts to shed its stuffing at one point. Also, she’s covered in blue paint that starts to rub off on the…. areas… of the Owen and Claire stand-ins pretty early on.
Expense: most definitely spared!
But hey, if Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong taught me anything, it’s that in life and in porn, you gotta have a sense of humor. Swollen Dingdong most definitely does, dropping the line “But not so much with the teeth this time! You don’t want to turn my member… into a dismember” within the first minute (I didn't say it was good humor) before pivoting to some meta-commentary of its own franchise: “I don’t even know what I’m doing here! I don’t know what any of us are doing here! This place is filled with dinosaurs that kill people every single movie… You’d think that they’d run out of ideas. Why am I here?” (Answer: “It’s a brothel now.” Succinct and to the point.)
Later on, a character groans that “Dinosaur Murder Park always seems to end in dinosaur murdering!” Is it too late to do a career about-face and start writing for porn parodies? Is there a college class I can take?
After some set-up involving a dildo volcano (fine, sure) and the need to “relax” Blow with some dino-loving, we go to the bulk of Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong, which is an extended threesome scene between Blow, Owen, and Claire. I said I wouldn’t go into the specifics of the sex, and I won’t, much—but I must say this. Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong confirms for the millionth time the age-old truth that women are awesome and men ain’t shit. The actress who plays Blow navigates her sex scene while wearing a gigantic tail. And she does a credible job! This is some Frank Langella-acting-through-facial-prosthetics-in-Masters of the Universe-level panache… or, you know, the porn version of that. And the actress who plays Claire manages to receive oral sex whilst rubbing said fake dinosaur tail between her tits, all with a straight face. Meanwhile, curly-haired Chris Pratt lays there. Men.
Some miscellaneous things you definitely need to know about Jurassic Wood: Swollen Dingdong.
- Instead of making human-sounding noises, the dino-lady shrieks like a velociraptor. So that’s… sexy. If you’re into that.
- There’s a Mr. DNA cameo. He’s called “Mr. T&A.” I know, I know.
- “Triceratits. She’s horny!”
And, finally, the whole thing ends on a Jeff Goldblum reference, because—and I quote—“Internet people sure do love Jeff Goldblum!” Not wrong.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.