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Analyze This: Our Relationship Advice for the Couples of Olympus

Friday, June 5, 2015 - 07:00

The men and women of Olympus have got issues and their romantic relationships have got even more issues. Here, we assess what went wrong with their love affairs and how they can fix them.

Kimon & Lykos

The Situation: Your uncle has been paying you to spy on your boyfriend who happens to be your brother. Plus, you're not equals. Lykos and Kimon have a 60-40 love with Kimon playing second fiddle to Lykos who believes that he's a king in training that's destined for great things and therefore Kimon will never be able to get out of his shadow.

Our advice: Break. Up. Immediately. Kimon, we know it must have hurt plenty bad when Lykos declared that you're dead to him, but seriously he did you a favor. Family reunions would be a big mess and also you guys have SERIOUS trust issues. Also, they're brothers. Like, that's a problem. 

Medea & Aegeus  

The situation: Your wife is on a never ending quest for immortality, performing blood-letting rituals that could kill both of your sons. Your husband is a less than savvy ruler who has yet to measure up and he's also something of a rolling stone (Read: He's got secret kids).

Our advice: Relationship counseling. Sure, both Medea and Aegues have explosive tempers and spend more time worrying about themselves then they do thinking about each other, but they've taken vows dammit! Perhaps weekly visits with a shrewd psychologist, some co-journaling and a couple's retreat could light their flame once more. Or Medea could find a new project and Aegeus could find something to scream about - that's seemed to keep them together for this long.

Ariadne & Hero

The situation: Your girlfriend has an addictive/obsessive attitude and she frightens you, so you agree to date her out of fear that she'll tie you up and torture you - again.  Meanwhile, your boyfriend is afraid of you and decides that he loves you only because you love him. Uh…

Our advice: Stay together. They're both scatterbrained and crazy… about each other. There's a lid for every pot.

Hero & Oracle

The situation: The entire relationship is based off a inferiority/superiority complex with Oracle declaring that she's Hero's one true love because the gods told her so. She worships the ground that he walks on and he thinks that she's just OK. Yet with Oracle's prodding, Hero concedes that he loves her too, because she says so. We're noticing a trend here, Hero.  

Our advice: Oracle, Hero's just not that into you - he fell in love with Ariadne because she told him to. Sound familiar? And besides, neither you, nor Hero are prepared for Ariadne's wrath. This is a princess who always gets what she wants. Let her have him!

Medea & the Gods

The situation: Medea, you're incapable of loving anyone - not your children, your husband  or the small animals you sacrifice- more than you love the Gods and your eternal quest for immorality. But the Gods are off being Gods, too busy to send word that they feel the same way about you. You've become emotionless, insecure and just plain mean.  

Our advice: Do some soul searching, Medea, and find out who you are without this unconscionable thirst for power. It's nice to set goals, dear, but you're bordering on obsessiveness.