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Credit: Marvel Studios/Disney

Thirst ranking the hot heroes of Avengers: Endgame

Contributed by
May 2, 2019

Avengers: Endgame tied together 21 films from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It brought us the universe-changing climax of Earth's Mightiest Heroes doing battle against the genocidal megalomaniac Thanos. And it gave our favorite Avengers some eye-popping makeovers that had us thirsting.

Digging into the fashion choices and sultry swagger on display in Avengers: Endgame, we present to you the ranking of the MCU's heroes from DILF to total smoke show.

MAJOR spoilers for Avengers: Endgame lurk below.

Some notes on the process: We're focusing on the core Avengers (Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow, and Hawkeye) and Captain Marvel since they're the ones who got major makeovers between Endgame and Avengers: Infinity War. And to that end, we're looking to their looks from the second act onward, meaning after the five-year jump. Who had us squealing and who had us shrugging, "I still would"? The answers and more spoilers lie below.

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Tatted-Up Hawkeye

Compared to the other MCU Avengers, Hawkeye's superhero style has always been a bit muted. His clothes are black and tactical. His hair is typically Basic Bro. His biggest big of flourish is baring his biceps, allowing us to leer as he slings his bow and arrows. But after aRonin-style rebranding, Hawkeye went for an edgier look with a fade 'do and a full sleeve of tattoos. But what's edgy for this family man/part-time farmer is still pretty tame by our standards. He looks like the guy the moms at soccer practice give side-eye until he pulls out the cooler stocked with sugar-free juice boxes and orange slices. He's hot, sure. But he's still more dad than Daddy. 

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Ummmbre Black Widow

Yes, Scarlett Johansson is inarguably gorgeous, but Natasha Romanoff's not looking so hot in her latest questionable hair don't. It's less ombre and more "ummmmm… girl what are you doing here!?" On one hand, I get it. In Infinity War, Cap's depression beard was a visual cue of his inner pain. Here, Black Widow's grief is displayed by five years of letting her bleach job grow out and hang limply. (That is, when she's not strangling it in a bland braid.) Of course, she's been mad-busy running the Avengers since the snap. But Cap showed us tragedy-hair could look good, and self-care (and hair care) is important! Avengers HQ has some of the world's highest tech, surely somewhere there's a pair of scissors somewhere! Even impulsive break-up DIY cut would have been an improvement over this sad 'do. 

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Rusted Iron Man

Tony Stark has worn bespoke tuxes, rocked a sharp goatee, and swaggered with the hotness of 3,000 suns. But Endgame isn't about that Iron Man. It's about a man older, colder, and a bit broken. Robert Downey Jr. brings a world-weariness to the role, which is visually reflected in a beard that's less sharp and more salt-and-pepper scraggly. ("Weird beard!") He's still cracking jokes, but failing to save half the universe has finally shattered the seemingly impenetrable bravado of Iron Man. We get it. But we miss our cocky genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. He still fills out that suit like a champ though.

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Faux-hawk Captain Marvel (not pictured)

When Carol's in uniform, she's on fire, metaphorically and literally. She's a power fantasy and a fashion fantasy in that red, blue and gold splendor. Though Captain Marvel's not in as much of Endgame as we were hoping, she makes a big impression when she pops up with a fresh yet familiar haircut. Short on the sides with some top length to play with, it’s a 'do that calls back to the comics and gives Carol a more modern look. Plus, we can't help but imagine what it'd be like to run our fingers through that hair. Now, Carol, be a friend and give Natasha your stylist's number! 

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Big Lebowski Thor (not pictured)

What do you do when you're a god who failed hard? You turn to your friends, your comfort brews, and video games. (Asgardians, they really are just like us!) In the five years since the snap, Thor has grown back his blond locks and his beard, but both are a bit overgrown and grubby. He's also shed his jaw-dropping six-pack in favor of a full-on keg. Gone are the lip-bitingly snug jeans, and in their place are pajama pants paired with a cozy sweater that's distinctly Dude-like. But hey, the Thor abides. He's still funny and sweet and has a lust for good food and beer we can totally get down with. That spare tire is just more of him to love! And think of how cuddly it'd be to curl up into his beefy arms, nuzzle that fluffy beard, atop his warm belly, and against his enormous sweater. Now this is a Thor you could Netflix and chill with.

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Beardless Captain America

We knew this was coming, but it didn't make it any easier to say goodbye to Cap's beautiful beard (RIP). But with it gone, we can once more take in the grandeur of Cap's strong jaw and treasure the inviting pink of his lips. Besides, beard or no beard, he is still the proud carrier of "America's Ass." Respect where it's due! Then in this adventure, despite all the drama, Cap gets to have a bit of fun. He tosses out a reference to a VERY controversial comic arc. He takes a moment amid the madness to appreciate his own sweet caboose. And he gets in that dance we've been waiting YEARS for. If only we could cut in. Or throuple. Either way.

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Daddy Hulk (tragically not pictured)

Oh hey, while you weren't looking, Bruce Banner and the Hulk were processing their anger and becoming the OTP we didn't know we wanted. When the Avengers catch back up with Bruce, he's no longer racked self-doubt and draped in ill-fitting suits. He's big, green, wearing glasses, and has got that Mark Ruffalo charm, and even his adorably off-center smile! He's happily taking selfies with adoring fans, and speaking openly about coming to terms with himself. He's not a dad, he's a Daddy, and it's scorching hot. Sometimes confusingly so! Mark Ruffalo has chest hair so majestic it SHOULD be in his contract that it be displayed in EVERY MCU movie. Yet Hulk's "I wear shirts now" proclamation didn't make us gasp in horror! Maybe it's because this guy knows how to pull off a cardigan. We'd like to pull off that cardigan. Then smash Hulk. 

The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.

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