"My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head."
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
"I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack."
"I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”
"My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn."
"Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?"
"When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel."
"My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there but they don't want to visit."