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Episode Recap: I Am the Future

With Christmas approaching, Sax and Happy are locked in a climatic confrontation to rescue Hailey from Very Bad Santa’s lair.


It's the season finale, so drum roll please! When we last left our heroes, Merry had found Blue and was torturing him; Sunny Shines was supervising a satanic orgy ritual; and Nick was chasing down a truck filled with all the abducted kids. Well… not all the abducted kids. As unhappy Happy finds out, Hailey was not on that truck. Santa’s got her! Rats!

Realizing this, Nick gets Blue in his clutches, and demands he tell him where Hailey is — under penalty of ass whooping. But Blue won't talk, even after getting a back-full of barbed wire. Then Happy gets an idea: torture Bad Santa's imaginary friend for the info! For those of you who don’t remember, Bad Santa's imaginary friend was a sock puppet, and he dropped him on the dock! Hard to keep track of an abducted child and a sock puppet at the same time. Anyway, back in the room where the support group was being held, Happy duct tapes the sock puppet to a chair, and… tickles him until he squeals! And he does!

Meanwhile, Amanda has woken up in a white room, with Sunny Shines standing over her. He tells her that tonight's the Wishtacular event. Also, that she doesn't have long to live. Over in the warehouse, Bad Santa, sensing that Nick is on his tail, slips away with Hailey into "Toyland", a magical place filled with toys galore, some even living! Of course, Santa is as high out of his mind and blasted as a B-52 bomber jet, and is only hallucinating Toyland. Hailey sees through the whole mirage, and screams.

Nick and Happy make it into one of the rooms in Santa's warehouse and find out what happens to all those kids he abducted: they eventually grow up into young adults. One of these kids comes over to Nick with a slinky, looking to play. He's had better days. Or maybe not? He could definitely use a toothbrush, though. In one of the inner workrooms in Santa's factory (read: dungeon), the man in charge has taken Hailey up on her knee, about to drill into her skull and make her a human nutcracker. Hailey's definitely her father's daughter, and smashes a snow globe into the perv's face.

The sound of Santa's screams alert Nick of his whereabouts. Nick rushes over to where it came from, and in so doing, steps into a bear trap. Oh it hurts. It hurts bad. Happy has to go on alone, which he does. And over at Sunshine Tower, Merry confronts Shines about Amanda's whereabouts, and surprisingly he just lets his captive go. Guess he didn't want any trouble with the cops just as he was preparing for his big show. Either way, the two women are reunited, and head out to find Nick and Hailey.

Back at the warehouse, Happy finds Santa. He tells Hailey to run away while he lays into the tinsel festooned freakazoid. Oh, he unleashes all his plushy power onto him. Unfortunately, it's not enough, and Santa prevails over Happy, throws him into a jar of formaldehyde, and screws down the lid. Santa chases Hailey all the way to the roof of the building. There are cop cars below, and she's teetering right at the edge of the parapet. He tries to persuade her to come with him, to stay young forever, and never have to grow up. It was too late for him, but it's not for her.

Before Hailey can fall for his trick, Santa hears a noise from the roof entrance, and scurries away. That noise was Nick! He extricated himself from the trap and hobbled his way to the roof! And he's reunited with his daughter! Even if he loathes to call her that. Aww sweet. Of course, the reunion is short-lived, as Santa returns with a vengeance, and tussles scrappily with Nick. Nick gets the upper hand, but eventually succumbs to yet another heart attack that gives Santa an opening. He's about to throw Nick off the roof when… Happy returns! He managed to break out of the glass jar and find his way to the roof as well.

It's a roof party! Happy starts to kick Santa's ass. Then… he gets his own ass kicked. Well, he's just an imaginary friend, not a judo champion. Finished with Happy, Santa picks up a pipe, ready to bash Nick's skull in. Of course, a pipe is no match for a gun (which is what Nick has) and POP! POP! Santa goes down, down, down. Say goodnight, Gracie. Finally, Hailey is safe. And she's got herself, Nick and Happy to thank. Nick returns Hailey to Amanda, and the two make a tentative agreement to kind of sort of become a family again but not really just yet. Then Nick passes out again.

Some days pass. Nick has recovered. Hailey is on the mend, and Happy… well, Happy is starting to fade away. Hailey's growing up, and he's growing apart. He's off to find some other kid in need of a friend. That kid happens to be Nick, who really needs some emotional reinforcement before taking his daughter and ex-wife out for a family date at Coney Island. We'll see how this goes… Oh, and Blue? He was thrown in prison. His nephew Mikey visits him there to deliver the password or some hot air or his demon energy into Blue's body? Once Mikey makes the transfer, the kid drops over dead. Quite the load was lifted. Until next season!