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SYFY WIRE Chosen One of The Day

Chosen One of the Day: Whoever is narrating the Monster Mash

By Courtney Enlow

Today is the holiest of spooky days, Halloween. Let us open our hymnals to pretty much the one Halloween song we have and break it down because seriously wtf is happening in the "Monster Mash"? 

Perhaps watching this video will provide some answers.

Well, now I just have way more questions. OK, I guess we just need to go straight to the lyrics then.

I was working in the lab late one night,
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight.
For my monster from his slab began to rise,
And suddenly to my surprise,
He did the Monster Mash.

OK, great. We have a Dr. Frankenstein-esque fellow with a rudimentary hold on rhyme schemes and a dancing monster friend. But then...

From my laboratory in the castle east,
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast.
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes,
To get a jolt from my electrodes.

So wait (wah-oo). Do the vampires already live in this castle with our doctor narrator? Upon whom do they feast, apparently with some regularity? Is it him? Has he just handed over his master bedroom, like, "Ugh, fine, it's overrun by vampires I guess, I'll take the room down the hall." Also, how do the ghosts even afford abodes, even humble ones? Also, why is he being so judgey? Not everyone can have a castle, you living d*ck. Finally, is performance of the Monster Mash dependent upon being hooked up to electrodes? Is he some kind of dance drug dealer?

This is only the second verse! Zombies, the Wolf Man (apparently just the one), Dracula and his son (it's a family-friendly party), a band that Dracula then abandons his son and joins, and also us "the living" (consider my RSVP pending). Finally, it ends with an "Easy, Igor, you impetuous young boy," which ew (consider my RSVP a no thank you please). 

Whoever this rando is, his milkshake brings all the cryptids to the yard and good for him. It's not my scene, but it truly appears to have been a graveyard smash.

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