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In the beginning, there were alignments. Then there were Hogwarts Houses. And then there was BDE.
When it comes to judging your favorite characters, these are all very fine and worthy metrics, but isn't it time we went back to the metrics that mattered? You know, the stars?
With their hands determinedly covering up the birthdates of your favorite characters, FANGRRLS Clare and Sara set out to assign star signs to all your faves, one franchise at a time.
In this edition, by the power of Grayskull, it's the Masters of the Universe!
Prince Adam/He-Man: Aquarius
Clare: Let’s be honest, it’s a little self-centered to style oneself a "master of the universe." I associate that phrase so strongly with sons of privilege who work in finance and yet do not own a suit that fits them.
Sara: He doesn’t have a shower curtain in his apartment, but he is the master of the universe.
Clare: It’s not that Adam doesn’t want to do the right thing when it comes down to it. But if he has to do the right thing because he is the Chosen One or whatever, then he wants all of the benefits and rewards.
Sara: Aquarius does have a moody side but when you’re just getting the benefits of them, things are pretty sweet. They are the water bearer, and the water Adam bears is handsomeness, Grayskull power, and beatdowns of Skeletor. Take a drink!
Clare: Skeletor. What a sublime blend of villainy, incompetence, and drama. I love him.
Sara: I love him too, sadly. Leo is the opposite sign to Aquarius, so there’s a lot of similarities (egos, handsomeness) but a lot of differences too (Adam wants to keep things mellow while Skeletor wants to redecorate Eternia with goth/Halloween themes).
Clare: I love a Light Side/Dark Side thing. And where Adam is a little more pleasure-seeking, Skeletor is fully fickle. Like, I thought he and Hordak had a falling out over some Important Space Wizard Shenanigans, but turns out it was because Skeletor ratted him out to the Eternians for kidnapping baby Adora! This dude would drop you in a heartbeat if he thought it would net him a chili dog.
Sara: It’s funny that Hordak didn’t see that betrayal coming but it’s also kind of Leo-esque to not see the value of upholding a beneficial alliance because the short-term payoff is right there, baby!
Clare: Oh, Skeletor, if you could only open your eyes! Oh, wait, you don’t have eyes.
Sara: Ah, yes, our Capricorn queen, holding it all together while everyone else in Etheria is out here having an endless party.
Clare: Unlike He-Man and Skeletor, Adora’s just not that much for drama. When her true heritage and power are revealed to her, she takes it pretty much in stride. Just, “oh, huh, I was wrong about the Horde, so I need to make things right.” I think people get distracted by the She-Ra look and sometimes forget that she’s a very calm and capable person.
Sara: I appreciate She-Ra being more or less the voice of reason in the bonkers realm of Etheria. I also appreciate Capricorns when they are the voice of reason in the bonkers realm of my life.
Clare: I’m endlessly delighted by how Masters of the Universe turns concepts like “cat” or “nets” into characters. We could go forever on those, so, as an index to the whole, we give you: Ram-Man, the Man that is a Battering Ram. Man.
Sara: Listen, if there is a single zodiac sign that lives to knock down walls with our heads, it’s going to be an Aries.
Clare: The only way out is through, say us Aries, and sometimes… you’re in the way.
Sara: While people consider Aries to be complicated and difficult to parse, the fact is, we mostly just want to be left alone so we can ram our whole heads into walls that we have deemed unnecessary. Do you feel inhibited by a wall? Allow me to crash my head into it. No thanks needed. Sorry I tore down your whole house in the process. My intentions were good.
Clare: We are talking about the classic cartoon canon here, but I would be absolutely remiss if I did not mention that Teela has the best joke in the live-action Masters of the Universe film. She shoots a robot and then looks directly into the camera to say, “Teela, Woman-at-Arms.” Accordingly, I love Teela and will hear nothing against her.
Sara: One cannot deny that her one-liners are solid.
Clare: Recklessness might not seem like a traditional Virgoan trait, but Teela’s recklessness stems from the overconfidence of the young Virgo. She assumes that she knows the territory and the risks, and sometimes that doesn’t quite work out like she thought it would.
Sara: One of the hardest things in a Virgo’s life is learning to accept that they aren’t and don’t have to be perfect, and Teela is in the early stages of that journey.
Clare: Teela, you’re already better than everybody else!
Sara: A typical day in the life for a Taurus is to just swing their arms around and take out as much evil as they can before retiring to eat some snacks in the comfort of their own homes.
Clare: Truly. The Taurus makes an ideal father figure. Accordingly, Man-at-Arms is the platonic Dad ideal, to the degree that no one ever uses his given name. Mr. At-Arms should be wearing a baseball cap and a tucked-in polo shirt to pick up Teela from volleyball practice. He’s very proud of the progress Adam’s made, and he will teach you how to fix a tire.
Sara: Thank you for your consistency and your dadliness, Tauruses around the world.
Clare: We appreciate you and your housewarming gift of a toolset.
Battle Cat/Cringer: Cancer
Clare: Cringer is basically Garfield if Jon turned him into a living weapon every once in a while. He just wants to sleep and eat lasagna, Adam! Leave that cat alone!
Sara: I swear to god, Adam.
Clare: It’s basically a Hulk situation, if I understand correctly?
Sara: Yes, if Betty Ross shot Bruce Banner with a powerful, apparently semi-painful beam against his will regularly, this would be very similar.
Clare: Oh, yikes. And despite all of this, he’s loyal to Adam. Oh, Cringer. You’re a very good kitty, even if Adam doesn’t deserve it.
Sara: YOU ARE GOOD KITTY! Cancers are good kitties!
Clare: I hope you get to be a good kitty full-time, Cringer, you’ve more than earned it.
Clare: If Teela is the younger, overconfident Virgo, then Evil-Lyn is the Virgo in her full glory.
Sara: They are the same Zodiac sign because they are literally the same exact action figure with different paint.
Clare: Evil-Lyn is glamorous, competent, and organized. While she might officially work for Skeletor full-time, she always has her own side project going on, be it for herself or for other villains. And she’s perfectly capable of recognizing the value in other people, a thing Skeletor often misses. She and Teela spend a full episode together (“The Witch and the Warrior,” true believers), and she walks away from that saying that she and Teela would make a great team. Which they absolutely would!
Sara: I feel like Evil-Lyn is who Teela becomes after years of having to deal with Adam’s BS. Which brings us to my pitch for The Saga of Evil-Lyn, in which she undergoes much betrayal and heartache in order to become the villain we know her as today.
Clare: Where do I send money to make this happen?
Clare: Skeletor’s sudden but inevitable betrayal must have stung, but you know what? Hordak really picked up the pieces of his life and turned it around. Forget magic, he’s a scientist now! He got a new job with Horde Prime! He conquered most of Etheria! He’s doing great.
Sara: Again, it is hilarious how baffled Hordak is by Skeletor’s betrayal, but he doesn’t waste any time trying to get as much vengeance out of the situation as he can. Rather than teaming up against their mutual enemies, Skeletor and Hordak spend most of their time fighting with each other, and let me tell you, that is a Leo/Scorpio dynamic if I’ve ever seen one.
Clare: We here at Star Signs HQ want to make it clear that not all Scorpios are jerks.
Sara: Many, but not all.
Clare: Mermista is certainly kind and sweet, but she’s also very proactive and passionate. Her dad’s attitude towards the Horde is very “I do not see it, it does not see me,” but Mermista knows that the Horde isn’t going to just leave a piece of real estate on the board. And she does something about it!
Sara: The original Mermista is passionate and dedicated to her cause, but she feels torn between two worlds, and she keeps a lot of her feelings inside. Her mysterious aura and her selfless actions belie a troubled interior life and that is why our girl has got to be a Scorpio.
Clare: I still can’t get over the fact that his horse is named Arrow.
Sara: Sagittarius does not play around with metaphor. What you see is what you get with these rowdy truth-tellers.
Clare: He’s handsome, he’s dashing, he’s outdoorsy, and he cannot sit still. On top of being the best archer in all of Etheria, he’s also a great musician and a great illusionist. This is definitely the kind of guy who just picks up skills like he’s playing Katamari.
Sara: Bow is a dang delight and he makes eyes at literally every other character on this show. A Sagittarius if I’ve ever seen one!
Clare: Orko has this reputation as one of the most annoying sidekicks in genre, but, honestly, I’m kind of pro-Orko? He’s actually a great wizard on his home planet of Trolla, his problem is just that Eternia has different natural laws. He’s truly just trying his best, and what does he get for it? Absolutely no respect. He saves Adam’s and Cringer’s lives and the king makes him the Royal Buffoon.
Sara: I cannot believe the sheer audacity.
Clare: I also think it fits in with Man-at-Arms' Taurus Dad vibe to just really not like his son figure’s annoying friend.
Sara: Relax, Man-at-Arms, your kids are safe with Orko.
Clare: He’ll be back by 10PM, Mr. At-Arms!