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Full disclosure: I've never seen the movie Splash until now. I might be aging myself but it came out before I was born and missed me by a few years. It's not that I didn't like mermaids. I was a huge fan of The Little Mermaid, so I really don't have any valid justification for not watching Splash other than I never sought it out.
Let me say that I don't fully understand how this movie was rated PG. My guess is because it came out in 1984, but also Tom Hanks is really getting down to business with Madison throughout this entire movie. Splash is full of adult themes with a touch of innocent moments. I'm here to share my first experience watching a movie about this guy's insatiable lust for this mermaid.
1. Ron Howard directed this which tells me there is an 85% chance I'm in for an entertaining time.
2. Whatever boat party is going on in this sepia-toned flashback seems lit.
3. The '80s and early '90s loved having a character who looked up someone's skirt.
4. Now, why would they leave that little boy unattended? Of course, he would jump into the water.
5. Love at First Near-Drowning: a Netflix series.
6. I am not at all surprised that Tom Hanks' character grew up to manage a business located so close to the water. Oh, and look. John Candy. Candy was really booked and busy in roles as an obnoxious but lovable brother in the '80s.
7. I, too, would be happy to get published in Penthouse magazine.
8. Tom Hanks might be a little fine, and I'm just now noticing.
9. Allen's fiancee: "Do you love me?"
Allen: "You moved in, didn't you?" YIKES
10. JAIL! Take his brother to JAIL!
11. Ouch. Left at the altar and this wedding doesn't look cheap either.
12. Drunk Tom Hanks might be on to something.
13. This cab driver really drove him 300 miles away to Cape Cod.
14. You need an eccentric scientist type for your movie, you call EUGENE LEVY!
15. I think the twins Dr. Walter Kornbluth hired to take him out to sea might murder him and eat him. They look like the types.
16. Since Allen arrived on a random beach in Cape Cod I've been concerned about how he was going to get home from Cape Cod with no money. He couldn't possibly have any left after the ride there.
17. Oh, she NAKED naked!
18. Oh, OK. Homegirl did a kiss and swim away.
19. And that's why you should have learned how to swim, Allen.
20. She has a cute little mermaid home. She is much more organized than Ariel.
21. A mermaid scammer. She stole his wallet.
22. Not her walking butt naked through the park though.
23. The moment Allen learned of a naked woman walking in the park ran for that mercoochie/mergina.
24. Sis must have put it down and gave him the Poseidon special because he cooked her a full course breakfast.
25. They have been having sex nonstop and the movie has not shied away from letting us know this at all.
26. This wig, however, Daryl Hannah deserves better.
27. To be in a Bloomingdales in the '80s.
28. Oh no, not eating disorder jokes.
29. Now, how is she just able to swipe his credit cards no problem? A mermaid scammer as I said earlier.
30. She learned English from television. Who said screentime was bad?
31. I know she's a mermaid but this walking on her bare feet on the street is nasty.
32. They've clearly been making sure the neighbors know their names.
33. I tried to be mature about this but how exactly does this transformation work? Out of the water, she has legs and mercoochie/mergina but then when she's in the water she has a tail. WHAT IS HAPPENING BELOW THE NAVEL??
34. What a really nice bathroom.
35. A garden tub, in a New York City apartment? Allen has MONEY.
36. A salt bath with regular old Morton's salt.
37. They had sex in the car, the elevator, the bed, and on top of the refrigerator. Allen had some fish for dinner that night.
38. This movie should have not been PG. PG-13 at the least.
39. It's about time they came out of that apartment and went on a date.
40. The way Madison is eating this lobster is taking me clean out.
41. Wow, Love Is Blind is shaking.
42. Allen proposed on day three, y'all. Cameron and Lauren are beside themselves.
43. No, Allen, she can't marry you. You didn't even know her last night and you gave her a first name.
44. Well, I'll be. She is going to marry him?!
45. I know he didn't just wet these people up in the elevator. Dr. Kornbluth is committed to uncovering Madison's secret.
46. Allen is really thirsty about marrying her. A stage five clinger.
47. OK, but this dress is not cute at all, hunny. What happened to all the clothes she bought at Bloomingdales?
48. How did they get invited to the President's dinner?
49. They got her y'all. They got Madison.
50. Allen is bogus, he didn't do anything. He should have been throwing hands for his woman.
51. TMZ all over the place.
52. Dr. Kornbluth should be ashamed. They put Madison in this Petsmart fishtank.
53. Allen, you better go free your girl.
54. Guess he should have moved his cab.
55. Oh no, they can't stay together. After all of that??
56. There's a coral reef in the Hudson River??
57. So, will Allen grow a tail? I have so many questions.
58. I hardly ever watch the trailers for older movies, but I absolutely had to after watching this one. The trailer didn't disappoint. If I had watched it before the movie then I would have known how much charming creepiness I was in for.