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Chosen One of the Day: Cake

By Courtney Enlow

The internet has been obsessed with cake the last few days, because frankly WE HAVE EARNED CAKE. But, because 2020, the cakes are demonic trickery that don't look like cake because they have been ruined with fondant and betrayal. 

Everything old is new again. The cake remains a lie.

Fire up your favorite Feist tunes and slap on your skinniest scarf. We're going back to 2007, y'all.


Back in the long long ago of the pre-Kardashian age (but fully in the Hilton Sisters time, so don't wish yourself back to this nostalgic cornfield too hard) a little game called Portal was released. As unseen first-person protagonist Chell, you had to navigate through a series of rooms completing tasks using your Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to create portals. You do so under the watchful (A)I of GLaDOS, who promises you cake. 

But you can't have the cake. The cake is unattainable. The a lie. And DAMN if that's not relevant in this year of our lord of darkness, 2020. "Still Alive" is still a bop, though. 

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