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Jeff Goldblum’s Most Sarcastic Lines as Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park
Much like with Dr. Malcolm's chaos theory, you can't quite predict what's going to come out of the mathematician's mouth.
When chaotician Ian Malcolm was invited to John Hammond's cloned-dinosaur theme park in Jurassic Park, Hammond (Richard Attenborough) could not have predicted exactly what he was getting into. Much like the dinosaurs behaving in unpredictable ways that backed up Malcolm's chaos theory — you can't quite guess what's going to come out of the leather-jacket clad mathematician's mouth.
Jeff Goldblum rocked the role of Malcolm in that first film — and several sequels — effortlessly balancing the doctor's personality traits of concerned chaos expert, colossal flirt, and sarcastic jokester. Whether he's trading barbs with paleontologist Alan Grant (Sam Neill) and paleobotanist Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern), taking a tour around the park, or being chased by murderous dinosaurs, Malcolm never loses his wit.
In honor of Jurassic Park celebrating its 30 anniversary this June — and now streaming on Peacock, along with three other films in the franchise — we excavated our way through the blockbuster that started it all and dug up these gems from Dr. Ian Malcolm.
Here are Jeff Goldblum’s Most Sarcastic Lines from Jurassic Park
"What do they got in there, King Kong?"
As the enormous doors to the theme park swing open and Hammond's iconic line "Welcome to Jurassic Park" is heard, Sattler is seen grinning widely, clearly impressed. Malcolm, not so much. "What do they got in there, King Kong?" he asks. If only he knew what was really coming.
"Eventually, you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, right?"
Dr. Malcolm gets a little frustrated at the lack of the main event while being driven around Jurassic Park for a tour. So, he leans in towards a camera and speaks directly into it, while Hammond is watching from a screen somewhere inside. "Now, eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, right?" Malcolm asks while tapping on the camera glass and blowing on it for added annoyance factor.
Hammond is not amused. Head in hands, he shakes his head and mutters, "I really hate that man."
"Nobody could have predicted that Dr. Grant would suddenly jump out of a moving vehicle"
Malcolm is explaining chaos theory to Sattler by pouring a drop of water on her hand while their official Jurassic Park tour van is moving, and he has her try to guess which way it's going to roll off. When the water rolls off in another direction the second time, he explains, "It changed, because tiny variations, the orientation of the hairs on your hands, the amount of blood distending your vessels, imperfections in the skin... never repeat and vastly affect the outcome."
But Malcolm's water trick to demonstrate unpredictability had nothing on what was about to happen next, when Grant suddenly opens the door to their van and heads out. Not missing a beat, Malcolm quips, "Look at this, see, see — I'm right again. Nobody could have predicted that Dr. Grant would suddenly jump out of a moving vehicle."
"If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists"
After Malcolm managed to distract a Tyrannosaurus rex in order to save the kids, Lex and Tim, he suffers a leg injury. While he's later laid out and being tended to by Hammond, the theme park owner tries to reason, "All major theme parks have problems."
Malcolm, using a Disney theme park ride to support his point, deftly responds: "But John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists."
"You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything?"
When the group comes across massive piles of dino dung, Malcolm can't help but blurt out, "That is one big pile of sh-t." Meanwhile, Sattler is elbow deep in another pile that she's digging through with her bare hands to try to find out why a triceratops is sick. This act is clearly making Malcolm himself sick, as he looks on with awe and disgust.
Turning to Dr. Grant, he says, "She's, uh ... tenacious." Still not over where Sattler's hands have just been, he then makes sure to ask her, "You will remember to wash your hands before you eat anything?"