It's hard to remember a time in pop culture without the Rock, right? Dwayne Johnson has expertly positioned himself as The Guy in Hollywood, and he's managed to do that while still maintaining the adoration of millions. That is no small feat. When you see the movies that helped him transition out of wrestling and into acting, it seems even more amazing.
The Mummy has become a cult classic, built on a foundation of fun storytelling, decent worldbuilding, and the combined hotness of Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz. The Mummy Returns was less great, and somewhere in that mess of a movie someone with studio money decided that Johnson's Scorpion King deserved his own spinoff franchise. Yes, this Scorpion King.
1. A dude in terrible scar makeup gets a ninja star to the face within the first 30 seconds of this movie. I feel like that tells you all you need to know right off the bat.
2. Are these Vikings? To quote Pocahontas, “these white men are dangerous.”
3. There might be snow on the ground, but the Rock doesn’t need no g*dd*mn shirt.
4. His name is allegedly Matthias, but I will continue to refer to him as the Rock.
5. Truly, more fight scenes need guitar riffs in the background.
6. The quickest way to communicate This Dude Is A Bad Dude is to show them slaughtering surrendering forces. Narrative Cliffs Notes, if you will. (YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS, DAENERYS.)
7. Oh hey, Carlisle Cullen. We’re a long way from the hospital in Forks.
8. The Rock seems like a cool enough guy, but he clearly only has two facial expressions: cocky smile and lightly scrunched forehead confusion.
9. Can the Rock have a camel sidekick in every movie?
10. The sorcerer is a woman! Women can be sorcerers! Feminism!
11. Carlisle! How could you betray your father! What would Esme say?!
12. The Rock is crushing fire ants with his chin. He also seems decidedly too chill about potentially being eaten alive by ants.
13. Not to be whatever, but when you choose the life of an assassin, there seems a high likelihood that you’ll meet an untimely death, right? It seems a little ridiculous for the Rock to be seeking revenge for his brother’s death by attempting to kill the man that they were commissioned to kill in the first place.
14. So far, the Rock’s camel is stealing this movie.
15. Time for a classic villain monologue. “I will bring order after centuries of chaos!” “Rivers of blood can bring obedience!” Ugh, this f***ing guy.
16. So, if the sorcerer has sex, she loses her magical gifts. Man, magic is misogynistic in the world of the Scorpion King.
18. I was trying to figure out what it was about the Rock that seemed so off, and then I realized it was the fact that he has hair. Well, a bad wig. But still.
19. A harem that is so horny for a random dude that they can barely articulate full sentences? This movie was 100% written by a man.
20. Yes, when I arise out of the bathtub after using my latest Lush bath bomb, my hair always artfully covers my tits as well. The sorcerer and I have this in common.
21. This movie has a few too many wacky sidekicks. All we need is the camel.
22. Is it possible to have negative chemistry? Because if so, the Rock and the sorcerer have it. I’ve seen a movie before, so I know they’re supposed to be falling in love, but I imagine he gives his morning protein shake a more passionate look.
23. I get that it looks cool to rip an arrow from your leg, but he is going to bleed out if the poison doesn’t get him first.
24. Ah yes, straddling him is a very important part of the healing process. Obviously.
25. “The people are not my problem.” Behold the words of a man who will care very much about the people in about a half hour or so.
26. Carlisle’s desert armor looks like it was designed to hit a rave after the battle. Sometimes you just need some molly after you kill some dudes, you know?
27. Oh hey, here are the people that the Rock is going to care about.
28. I realize that these visions are helpful and all, but has she seen the Rock? He will not lose in a fight to some strutting little peacock with a dirtbag mullet.
29. Since she rode the Rock to Pound Town, are her visions gone? No D is worth it, girl!
30. I sh*t you not, the sorceress just looked the camel dead in the face and without a hint of irony, begged for its help. Sure.
31. Oh yay, a cross-dressing joke. Ha ha ha. So edgy.
32. Memnon saying that she’s “had a change” and “seems diminished.” He knows she had sex, you guys! This is so gross.
33. This movie has really taken the cake on exploiting women’s bodies for cheap thrills. That being said, I do enjoy the old Men Who Underestimate Women And Then Get Their Asses Kicked By Said Women trick.
34. Oh hell yeah! She still has her magic AND she has the giant cobra to prove it. Did this movie just invent feminism? (No.)
35. Honestly, The Scorpion King is more a testament to the power of the Rock’s charisma than anything else. Not many acting careers could have survived this movie, let alone reach 2019 Dwayne Johnson levels.
36. The Rock just pulled an arrow out of his own back in order to fire it at the villain and said “catch this” in his best F*** You voice. I take it back. This movie is perfect.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.