Travis Kelce teaches the most demented, hilarious self-defense course ever in ‘SNL’ sketch

You’d think an 8-time Pro Bowler and newly-minted Super Bowl champ might be just the athlete to deliver great tips when it comes to knocking bullies off the ball. But after watching Kansas City Chiefs star Travis Kelce step into the role of the world’s worst self-defense guru in his recent Saturday Night Live hosting gig, we’ve gotta admit: All we’re really thinking (and laughing) about is the pain.

Kelce teamed with the SNL cast for a hilarious digital short this week, starring in the latest scripted sketch from the show’s “Please Don’t Destroy” writing trio as a low-rent neighborhood self-defense sensei known as “Kurt Lightning.” Kurt’s the kind of guy who’s found the perfect gig for his high-T persona; one that definitely lets him air some, uh, unique ideas about sucker-punching motivation into weak-kneed clients desperate enough to pony up for his advice. The results, of course, end up taking the shape of a can’t-look-away comedy train wreck.

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Watch the insanity as the Please Don’t Destroy guys arrive for a Kurt Lightning lesson that’s sure to leave them scarred (and scalded) for life:

It’s a perfect storm of face-swelling disappointment: Inspirational music swells as John [SNL writer John Higgins] braces for a high-impact punch that’s supposed to be his epiphany moment — you know, that magical, life-changing breakthrough that puts him on a new course where he'll finally stand up to attackers both passive-aggressive and, well, just plain old aggressive-aggressive.

Yeah, that’s not at all what happens next, as you can probably guess when a guy like Kelce’s the one who’s writing your motivational prescription for pain. Just as the gang starts to actually believe in Kurt’s “You’re Worth It” motivational motto, Kelce steps up to remind them of the natural pecking order: One smack and it’s lights out for poor lil’ John, who gets a firsthand taste of the floor the instant Kelce’s paw sees even a mere whiff of contact.

Like a Twilight Zone episode where everyone seems in on the secret but them, our bullied anti-heroes have nowhere to turn as Kurt’s veteran students even start to get in on the act, tempting fate with the kind of one-upsmanship that hands victory not to the sharpest fighter on the scene, but to the one who’s downright the craziest. There’s a lesson in here somewhere for sure, but it’s mostly about Travis Kelce being a genuinely funny actor and a good SNL sport to boot — and definitely not about how to handle your next street fight.

Catch new episodes of Saturday Night Live every Saturday at 11:30 p.m. ET on NBC, with this week's show set to be hosted by Wednesday star Jenna Ortega alongside musical guest The 1975. Dive deeper into SNL’s hilarious back catalog with all 48 seasons of the iconic comedy show streaming anytime at Peacock.