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Chosen One of the Day: Kylo Ren's glistening torso beef

By Courtney Enlow

It was the beefslab heard 'round the world. In The Last Jedi, the sequel-less end of the Star Wars sequel films (such a brave choice to call two films a trilogy only to follow it with just the Babu Frik scene, AUTEUR-ERY!) Kylo Ren appears to Rey in her mind, in the largest pants anyone has ever seen. And the internet was changed forever. Today is Adam Driver's birthday, and, tah-rust me, we have far more to say about this, but for now let's look pecsward.

I mean WHAT IS THIS HUMAN BODY? He's a brick! House! Literally. He's a house made of shiny, shiny bricks that I would like to winter inside like a mountain cabin. He is smeared in oils that I have to assume smell a LOT like patchouli and dead Jakkuans. What fabric are these pants? JUST MORE OILS. Oils and stretch, with a waist that is practically empire, pronounces here ohm-peer, because pronouncing it that way is evocative of MORE OILS. 

Why is he so shiny? Seriously. Does he shower and then just roll in animal fats to lock in moisture? Is the concept of "Kylo taking a shower" doing a lot of work here? Is he more jojoba than man? If he tried could he just slip and slide throughout the command shuttle on his belly like a broken dachshund? If you pat him on the shoulder, is that just your whole day now and no amount of Dawn can get it off of you because he is literally oilier than the very sad ducks? 

Long ago, we put our faith in Blast Hardcheese but there is another...Skywalker Oily McBeefbody.