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Chosen One of the Day: Poe and Finn's slash pirate adventure in Episode IX
At the recent Star Wars Celebration, the franchise released the first trailer for the final installment in the sequel trilogy, Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker, and fans everywhere Lost. Their. Sh*t.
Some of that was due to the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo of the late, great Carrie Fisher. Some of that was because Adam Driver could be seen literally pounding full-grown men into the dirt. Some of that was because of Daisy Ridley looking like she will literally chop a speeder in half with just her lightsaber like the badass mo-fo she is.
But most of the screaming and fainting and fantasizing came because of two men — John Boyega and Oscar Isaac — the characters they play — Finn and Poe Dameron — and a certain pirate ship (ship here meaning both the actual vessel and these two pirates we ship hard).
It’s no secret that fans of the sequel trilogy have been pining for this slash pairing for quite some time, and Isaac and Boyega bait us with this queer ship anytime they’re allowed to do press together. And while the realists among us argue that Disney, Star Wars’ parent company, would never allow these two star-crossed lovers their happily-ever-after in that galaxy far, far away, the dreamers still dare to dream.
We also dare to write the smuttiest of fanfics to make those dreams as X-rated as possible and it looks like JJ Abrams, or someone on the Star Wars team, has been reading said smut. How else do you explain the appearance of Poe and Finn, piloting a high-speed spaceship on a desert planet?
Poe is looking rugged and heroic, sporting a look Brendan Fraser made sexy in his Mummy days and a scarf we’d happily let him choke us with any damn day of the week. All we see of Finn is backside — no complaints — but he seems suitably terrified as the duo, along with C-3PO, are chased by off-screen assailants.
Are the two lovers escaping the clutches of the First Order yet again? Will they find a secluded desert cave to hide out in? If they do, a fire would draw too much attention, so they’ll have to huddle together for warmth in the night. Perhaps Poe will wrap Finn in his scarf while they cuddle. Maybe a hand will slip? A thigh will touch? C-3PO will give them their privacy, the cold doesn’t bother him and he has manners after all. In the morning, nothing will be said, but everyone will know.
They’ll leave the Resistance. It’s all down to Rey and Kylo Ren at this point anyway, what’s the harm in losing a pilot and a foot soldier? They’ll take up smuggling goods, they’ll steal from the rich and give to the poor. Poe will get an eye-patch, Finn a parrot.
They’ll fix up their pirate speeder and cross other dusty planets, entire star systems, and each night they’ll lie next to each other. They’ll tell themselves it’s still for warmth. They’ll tell themselves it’s not love, just necessity, survival.
They won’t know who wins this war of the Jedi. They won’t care. They’ll have each other, and that’s enough.
Or Poe will get with Rey and Finn will hook-up with Rose and Star Wars will continue to value boring heteronormative relationships over queer love because it’s 2019 and we should learn not to get our hopes up. Whatever.