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SYFY WIRE The Wicker Man

Chosen One of the Day: The troll children who continually best Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man

By Courtney Enlow

I have made my enduring love of the Nicolas Cage remake of The Wicker Man very clear by now. But during my livetweet of the film as part of our SYFY FANGRRLS Back to Cool livetweet series, I discovered another reason I so desperately, deeply adore this movie: because a massive chunk of it involves Nicolas Cage getting utterly dunked on by small children who DGAF. 

We start with this completely inexplicable opening scene in which Cage's Edward Malus pulls a station wagon over for felonious acts of doll-throwing by an adorable culprit, this tiny a-hole.


Then she does it again, seemingly just to be an expert troll monster of a child...


...but it's actually for the greater good. Somehow. For some reason.

Right after this, a truck hits the station wagon and it catches on fire, in theory killing the mother and leaving the child burning alive in the backseat, but, like, it's OK? They show up at the end and they're fine? It's part of the long-con troll plan to sacrifice Nicolas Cage to the bee god of wickers? I guess? Look, I never said it's a good movie, I said that it's an incredible and perfect movie and how dare you say otherwise.

And that's literally just the first five minutes. The rest of the movie is resplendent with small children laughing in Cage's face, scaring him with birds, playing creepy pranks on him, and ultimately leading him to death by face-bees. Tiny icons, each of them.

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