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Chosen One of the Day: Willy Wonka's murder fan

By Courtney Enlow

We don't agree on much in this crazy, mixed-up world. But we can all declare unanimously that Willy Wonka definitely had a giant murder factory made of murder. 

Yes, he tried to incinerate children and blow them up and turn them into fudge, but even if we give him the benefit of the doubt on that whole potentially murdering kids thing as part of his wacky plan, there is no denying this: that big-ass fan was for sure designed to slice up small children and grandpas for having the audacity of flight.


I mean, the man created a fizzy lifting drink that you drink and then you float and where do you float? A BIGASS SLICY DICEY FAN. WILLY. WILLIAM. WYD?

While Wonka is clearly a sadistic villainous monster, the fan is just doing its job. Its job is clearly child-and-grandpa-cide, but it's doing its BEST. We fear the fan when we should fear the man

I mean the weird goose chute to the child-fire didn't design itself! The fudge pipe to Fudge City is merely doing what it was created to do! The Oompah Loompahs thought they were being freed from danger only to be made slaves and forced to mock dying children in song form! 

To these tools of evil, we are sorry for being so afraid of you when you are only doing as the bad bad hat man made you. 

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