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SYFY WIRE Cocaine Bear

’Cocaine Bear’ star ranks famous bears by how hard ‘Pablo Escobear’ would maul them

We can bear-ly contain the laughter.

By Benjamin Bullard
A still from the trailer for Cocaine Bear (2023)

In an insanely jacked-up movie, one of the more insanely jacked-up moments in Cocaine Bear is the ambulance scene, which has had audiences rolling for all sorts of reasons — not least because watching one of its key players perish feels hilariously like a bridge between the mainstream big screen and the winking, meta-aware street cred of right-this-second internet culture.

Standup comedian and TikTok sensation Scott Seiss already had a legion of fans for his funny “Angry Retail Guy” video rants before Cocaine Bear cast him as the hapless paramedic in that scene, who's woefully ill-equipped to handle the movie’s hopped-up animal horror.

RELATED: The 'real' Cocaine Bear is officiating a wedding in Kentucky - yes, seriously

Seiss himself was so stoked to be included in the film that he made repeated bumps from his TikTok pulpit to promote the movie around the time of its February release date — including this ridiculous ranked list that rates “other bears by how badly Cocaine Bear would kick their ass.”

Check it out:

As paramedic Tom in Cocaine Bear, Seiss has the thankless role of being in the wrong ambulance at the wrong time as the movie’s behemoth beast barrels toward the fleeing vehicle from behind. With a direct line on the open back door, the ursine killer takes an enormous, toot-powered leap, landing inside the patient bay with predictably bloody results.

Back on TikTok, Seiss obviously couldn’t have been happier to be featured as just another meat puppet standing in the adrenalized path of the big-screen counterpart to the real-life "Pablo Escobear". Riffing on all the famous bears out there who can’t hold a candle to the movie’s titular terror, he has news for critters like Toy Story’s Lots-o'-Huggin' Bear and the bear Leonardo DiCaprio tangled with in The Revenant: “This thing couldn’t even kill the Wolf of Wall Street, alright? Cocaine Bear’s done like 80 times more coke than him!”

Based, of course, on the true story of a Deep South black bear that yarfed down a cache of abandoned party powder, Cocaine Bear blew up the box office on its hellish trek straight toward your living room. That’s where Universal Pictures’ hit horror-comedy is making its second home, having freshly arrived to digital on-demand. If you haven’t had a chance to see it in theaters, no worries; it's still playing — though now’s no time to hibernate: Snag your movie tickets here while it’s still on the loose…or check out Cocaine Bear at home via your favorite on-demand platform.