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Into the wilderness they are sending me, into the razor-blood maw of nature herself, and the only light in my personal fight for survival shall be $500 worth of goods from Jeremy Renner's Amazon store. Will I make it, or will my tattered and slashed body, clad in nothing but a reinforced fishing wader, turn up as a lifeless shell at the bottom of the cliffs of Vormir?
I ask this because I am facing the fight of my life. For whatever reason, one of our editors recently got way high on goofballs and told me that they are giving me a $500 gift card to the aforementioned Jeremy Renner store on Amazon, a store that the Avengers: Endgame star has filled with sundries for wilderness excursions (the store is one of his many odd-seeming endeavors this summer). The gift was unnecessary, I thought, but I’ll take it! Turns out that the gift card came at a price, as gift cards so often do. I was entering into a deal with the devil, and the Jeremy Renner Amazon store doesn't sell souls.
I am getting the gift card, but I’m also being banished to the wilderness for two days. My only means of survival will be the purchases that I make from the Jeremy Renner Amazon store. Someone here obviously wants me out of the way, but the joke's on them — for one thing, this is hardly the first time that I’ve been banished to the wilderness. For another, the Jeremy Renner Amazon store has a vast array of wilderness gear available; that's the entire point of the store. That's all Renner sells. There’s no way that I can fail with Clint Barton on my side, right?
Wrong, almost certainly wrong. Turns out that the joke in this case is very much on me. The Jeremy Renner Amazon store is geared toward enjoying the outdoors and making the most of any and all romps into the forests of the world. Nowhere in the description of the store do the following words appear: “right here is all you will ever need to survive for two days in the wild.”
Jeremy Renner himself is quoted on the site, saying, “Nature is therapeutic to me, always has been. Living in the mountains at elevation, with no traffic, clean air, clean water, and being surrounded by the oldest living things on the planet is nothing short of majestic...”
Majestic shmajestic, Hawkeye, and may I add, "boorarrrooommm." There are no matches (or flint/steel) for sale in his store, nor is there a water purification pack. There’s no first aid kit, no moleskin, and, most devastatingly (for me), no rope. I can lash just about anything that a campsite requires (seriously, not a joke), but without rope? Nope. A giant compound bow that Hawkeye himself might approve of? They've got it. A snakebite kit? Not so much. Last time I checked, a giant compound bow does nothing for snakebites. Yes, I check regularly.
Still, they are throwing me into the wild anyway, with only, and I quote, "a man who doesn't talk or need anything, but he's very good at draining meat from animals and preparing it for eating." He's pretty much an NPC, I guess? I shall call him Krippendorf.
There’s only one thing to do now that I’m facing a fight against nature, armed only with the power of $500 worth of goods from the Jeremy Renner Amazon store.
It’s time to make a list, check it twice, and get shopping.
*Disclaimer: I am not actually being sent into the wilderness, and nobody on the staff of this site has gotten hopped up on goofballs. The Jeremy Renner Amazon store is, however, quite real.*
Frogg Toggs Hellbender Breathable Stockingfoot Chest Wader
Right at the outset, I'm probably making a horrible choice. Despite the huge array of fishing gear on display in the Jeremy Renner Amazon store, I will not be doing any fishing. Technically, then, I don't need to wade into anything... except an ocean of trouble. A natural water source is not guaranteed anyway, and if there is no such source (I am expecting the worst), then water is going to be a problem. The Jeremy Renner Amazon store doesn't sell it.
I have to wear something, though, right? I'm not going to hang around Krippendorf all day and night naked, though I get the feeling that he would like that. Too bad, sir!
That's why I am going with the Frogg Toggs Hellbender Breathable Stockingfoot Chest Wader as my banishment outfit. It has a "stockingfoot" included, so my feet will be covered. It should also do nicely for whatever weather that I may have to face, aside from heat. Even in that instance, if the wader manages to collect condensation, bingo bango, we have water. Plus, this bad boy has a lot of pockets.
I'm going with a size XL, so that will run me $111.25.
Fixed Blade Knife
The store has folding knives, sure, but we're going to need something a little more serious. A blade of some kind is key, so I'm not skimping here, and I am not relying on Krippendorf. My knife selection from the Jeremy Renner Amazon store will be the Smith & Wesson SWHRT9B 9in High Carbon S.S. Fixed Blade Knife with 4.7in Dual Edge Blade and TPE Handle for Outdoor, Tactical, Survival and EDC.
Dual edge sounds good, as does the word "tactical." With this blade, I'll be able to whittle spears and various other pointy objects, so from a defensive standpoint we're looking good. This blade also comes with a "convenient belt or boot sheath" so I'm sure I'll be able to stick it somewhere in my new wading outfit.
Best of all, it only costs $16.99. Because of this, I'm gonna buy two of them. Rounding them off to a combined total of $34, I now have $354.75 left. Whatcha got for me next, Renner?
Beef Jerky Variety Pack
Thankfully, Jeremy Renner and I have similar tastes in beef jerky! There's a sentence you never expect to write.
Food is obviously going to be necessary, and I'm no hunter. I don't want to kill any animals, and even if I did attempt it, I do not anticipate success. I don't like the bloodthirsty look in Krippendorf's eye, either... this guy is longing for guts, and he just kind of... stands there. Every now and then he hums "All Along the Watchtower." No thanks, Krippendorf. Jeremy Renner has me covered.
I'll get all of the nourishment I need from Jack Link’s Beef Jerky Variety Pack, 15 (1.25 oz Bags) – Variety Pack Includes Original, Teriyaki and Peppered Beef Jerky, Great for Lunch Boxes, Good Source of Protein – 96% Fat Free, No Added MSG. Jack Link's is my preferred brand when it comes to jerky, and 15 bags of it? Come on. I once made it through an entire day on just one bag. It was an awful day, but I'm still here.
I don't have our water situation figured out fully yet, so I'll likely be steering clear of the "peppered" flavor, despite it being my favorite. Survival must come first. This assortment will set me back $24.64. I'm tempted to go with two, but we've got a lot of surviving left to do.
Super Siege Lantern
Not only am I in trouble— I feel, for the first time in my life, personally let down by the Jeremy Renner Amazon store. Very, very let down.
I am going to need fire. I am going to want fire. A campfire is nature's television — you usually just end up sitting there and looking at it for hours on end. Krippendorf's going to need something to look at, especially since I've taken away his entire reason for being.
Aside from visual entertainment, what else is fire good for? Oh, I don't know... light? Further protection? Most important of all, fire can purify and cleanse whatever water I may find. If I have to drink... my own water... then it can help with that too.
I cannot depend on a natural water source, and though Jeremy Renner mentioned "clean water" in his intro, my banishment may not play by Renner's rules. Fire is the best way to ensure that there will something drinkable going on in my awful little camp, and I thought that Jeremy Renner and I had a plan for it. I was wrong.
The only thing in the Jeremy Renner Amazon store that looks like it could easily start a fire is the Portable Kahuna Burner, but alas! It is only available through third-party sellers. The cheapest one being sold would cost around $300.00, and that would almost clean me out. Exactly what kind of Amazon store are you running here, Renner?
I can't depend on the Burner, but I'm still going to need light. That's why I am settling on the Streamlight 44947 Super Siege 120V AC, Rechargeable and Portable USB Charger, Coyote - 1,100 Lumen. There are many lanterns listed in the Jeremy Renner Amazon store, so why am I going with this one? Mostly because it has the words "super siege" in the name.
Maybe I can get something sparking with this thing, but if not, I'll have plenty of light shining around as I rub two damn sticks together. If my camp comes under siege, as camps so often do? I'll have the perfect lantern for it. This will roughly take me for $100, which leaves us somewhere around $230.00.
Bear Archery Scout Set
I was foolish to think that I'd be able to make this list and not include some kind of bow and arrow. Don't get me wrong, I very much want a bow and arrow, but I was hoping to avoid the cliche of buying one from Hawkeye. Oh well. Tut tut, Sir Guy!
I went with the Bear Archery Scout Bow Set for a couple of reasons. Yes, technically it is for youth, but I'm still a youth on the inside. Also, the only other bow that is available in the Jeremy Renner Amazon store is a Thanos-sized behemoth, and it is very pricey. Amazon has many, many other bow and arrow sets that I would rather buy than either of these, but they aren't in the Jeremy Renner Amazon store. I must follow the rules.
So, the youth bow it is. It comes with safety protections, blah blah, who cares, more importantly, it comes with arrows. I will use the knives that I have bought to take the "youth" factor right out of the tips of these arrows, and although the Jeremy Renner Amazon store has a variety of targets to choose from, I... won't be needing any.
The water situation has me worried, as does Krippendorf. Do I really think that my editor hasn't given Krippendorf some kind of "kill him while he sleeps" marching orders? I'm not taking the chance. First sign of trouble, Krippendorf gets an arrow in the knee. Then, an arrow in the chest.
The human body is mostly made of water. The death of Krippendorf would solve the water issue once and for all, albeit in a highly disgusting, disturbing, and grisly way.
This archery set costs $27.52. The mental and spiritual costs of what I might have to use it for cannot be calculated.
We're looking at a remaining balance of $202.00 and some change left to spend, which makes me feel like I'm either counting wrong, or being a miser. Time to let loose and get comfortable with the Browning Camping Hawthorne 4-Person Tent.
This will keep me (mostly) safe from the elements. Not only that, but if it rains, then runoff from the tent can be collected and used for drinking water. This would obviously be preferable to using Krippendorf as a water source.
It holds four people, so I'll be living a life of luxury lying down in this thing by myself. Even if Krippendorf is alive, do you really think he's gonna spend one hot second in my tent? His Cylon butt can sit and spin out in the rain for all I care.
At roughly $124.00, this is a splurge.
I feel like I'm just asking for trouble now, because the luxury train is gonna keep chugging along. If I'm getting a tent, I might as well get a sleeping bag. Though the Jeremy Renner Amazon store has something called a "Mummy Sleeping Bag" it doesn't look like it's connected to Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, or Oded Fehr. Forget it, then, we'll go with the Coleman Green Valley 30 Degree Sleeping Bag.
I can sleep in it, and also use it as cover during the day since I'm still walking around camp in nothing but the waders. If we round up the price to $30.00, I'm tempted to buy two of them (one for wearing, one for sleeping), but we're running out of dough here. I'll go with just one, and that leaves me with roughly $48.00.
Pain Relief Antibiotic Ointment
Yeah, I'm definitely going to need this. Either by Krippendorf's hands or my own, injuries are going to happen. That's why I'll be bringing along Neosporin + Maximum-Strength Pain Relief Dual Action Antibiotic Ointment with Bacitracin Zinc, 1 oz.
At a rounded up price of $8.00, I think I'll take it. I can't imagine I'll still be alive after all of the imaginary adventures we've been dreaming up (what a time!), but just in case. The words "pain relief" stuck out immediately. Yes, Jeremy Renner, I would like you to relieve me of my pain. I don't care what Captain Kirk says, take it from me.
I guess I'll just be slathering this stuff on and rubbing it in really good, because as I mentioned earlier, the Jeremy Renner Amazon store has no First Aid Kit on sale. No bandages, either. We'll have to improvise.
Buck Camp Flannel Shirt
I'll be needing this for bandage making. Two sleeves are not necessary. I feel like I've moved past conventional clothing at this point.
Accept no substitutes when it comes to the Legendary Whitetails Mens Buck Camp Flannel Shirt. The Jeremy Renner Amazon store sells another kind of flannel, but it doesn't look as cool and it doesn't have "buck" in the title.
An XL will cost me $30.00... plus $4.99 shipping? WTF, Barton? Kind of losing my faith in this entire enterprise here, but so be it. I am going to let the office handle the shipping, so that leaves me with $10.00. Not good.
Ozone Air Purifier
I don't imagine that the air inside of my luxurious tent is going to be very pleasant, and that's why I'm willing to shell out the big bucks for the insanely indulgent Scent Slammer Ozone Scent Eliminators- Removes Odor on Clothing and Gear, Rechargeable for On The Go Use.
I mean, isn't "clean air" part of the Renner outdoor guarantee? If the whole damn idea of going to the outdoors is to breathe clean air, then why do I have to lug this POS along with me? I'm being banished alone, and let's face it, Krippendorf isn't gonna last any way you look at it. I will have no need to "slam scents."
If I tried this thing out, I'd mostly bust it open in my ongoing quest to start a fire. If I don't already have one going, then surely something within this plastic coffin of air purification will assist me.
At $45.52, however, I cannot afford it. My Renner currency is almost gone, so sadly this item will only reside in the campsite of my dreams. I didn't need you, Scent Slammer Ozone Purifier! I can clean my own air! Hahahaha!
Blow the rest on hats?
I can't believe I'm about to write this, but there is little else in the Jeremy Renner Amazon store that will really help me at this point. I'm past the point of shoes, I don't want a fishing rod, and what use is a folding camp table when your very existence is on the line?
Despite the title of this section, I can't blow the rest on hats. There are not hats here.
I've got around 10 Rennerbucks left, and that's not enough for more jerky. Even if I went with the cheaper 9-pack of jerky variants at $14.98, I would come close to being able to buy a pack, but close is not good enough, not for Renner, and not for me. The only thing I can afford is more Neosporin, which, thinking about it, I will definitely need.
That leaves around $2.00 on the card. Fan-tastic.
Wow, what an experience! Come at me everyone, throw me in those woods. I'm ready for two days of jerky and the blood of Krippendorf. I'm not afraid, because I have prepared for this with the power of the Jeremy Renner Amazon store.
Wait, are you laughing? Do you think that you're above the Jeremy Renner Amazon store? How do you think you've wound up with the outdoor apparel that you already own?
Jeremy Renner is a man of many talents, and one of them is secretly controlling all of our lives.
Into the forest I go.