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Paul Rudd, the saving grace of the worst Halloween movie
"On a weirdness scale of one to 10, he rates about a 13."
That's how enthusiastic exposition provider Beth introduces us, the audience of the truly horrendous Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, to Tommy Doyle as played by Paul Rudd in his first starring role.
Do not mistake me: Everything about the sixth entry in the Halloween franchise is utterly abysmal, save for a couple of sweet kills. But Paul Rudd is the opposite of abysmal.
You see my struggle.
So, in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Tommy Doyle, the little kid from the first Halloween, is now Paul Rudd and he is a full-on yarn-wall Michael Myers conspiracy theorist. And a possibly peeping Tom. Possibly. It might just be a misunderstanding. But he FOR SURE is the least bad man in this movie, and if we're grading on a curve, Paul Rudd gets an A++++++++++++++++++++ while everyone else gets an I for IMPALED.
For background, because I would never ask you to watch this sh*tshow, Michael Myers' niece Jamie is now played by a completely different actress, meaning I had no idea who this character was supposed to be until like an hour in, long after she's dead. She has a baby and the baby is a Michael Myers ... clone? Kind of? Look. It doesn't matter. But clone is the best-case scenario, trust me.
Meanwhile, Laurie Strode's aunt and uncle live in Michael Myers' old house because Laurie's dad was a realtor and tried to sell it but couldn't — and yes, it is wild that her dad would be responsible for selling the house of the dude who tried to kill his daughter but WHATEVER, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Laurie's uncle is a piece of butt and her aunt is the mom from Better Off Dead and her cousin Kara is our Final Girl and her son has a case of the DRUID CURSES JUST LIKE MICHAEL DID AND IT. DOESN'T. MATTER.
The only thing that matters is Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd being awkward with a baby he finds under a sink. The baby who is Jamie's baby who she saved from the Druid cult but didn't matter because Danny is the Druid fave LOOK. WHAT DID I SAY. ABOUT THE MATTERING.
Paul Rudd, who I guess I should refer to as Tommy, befriends Tiny Danny and brings his foundling over to Danny's house to talk dinosaurs like normal people do. This is Not Creepy in the realm of the film. This is Fine. But then things get Creepy and Paul Rudd brings Kara and Danny and The Child (it's the Baby Yoda of human children in the Halloween franchise) to his boarding house room to be safe. EXCEPT THE BOARDING HOUSE OLD LADY IS EVIL. Are we to fear Michael Myers, the Man in Black (introduced in the last movie and who — say it with me — doesn't matter), or this freaking DRUID CULT? All of the above? I don't have the energy for any of that, or the fake Howard Stern radio guy, or the brother and his girlfriend whose name you never need bother learning. I have a little energy for Kara's abusive dad getting killed in like three different ways.
But mostly, I don't have the energy for anything except Paul Stephen Rudd.
Paul Stephen Rudd Tommy has a Michael fight at the sanitarium while the boss from Liar Liar tries to get poor Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence was doing his best and was so tired, guys) to join the Druid cult and fails so instead THIS VERY OLD MAN GETS KNOCKED OUT.
There exist two cuts of this terrible movie because what makes a terrible movie better is more of it. Your author here managed to watch both without realizing it, one as a teen and one as prep for this piece, and then later, in an effort to get screenshots of moments she knew she saw, said moments were suddenly not in the film anymore and your author felt gaslit and untethered from this very Earth. Your author is now in way deeper than she intended for what was supposed to be a celebration of Paul Rudd's ageless beauty but instead is now her waking nightmare.
In the producer's cut, the boss from Liar Liar has a Druid ceremony with the baby and Danny and tries to get Danny to kill the tiny small Baby Yoda child while Kara is dressed like Florence Pugh in Midsommar. Kara tells Michael she knows Jamie's baby is his baby, which, like IS IT? Or is it a clone? LOOK. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY. The answer is clone in the theatrical cut and not clone in the original and dammit, I'm choosing theatrical here on this day. Which I have earned because it is in attempting to rewatch this section of the film to be all "wait did that really happen?" and then that whole part not being in the movie anymore that did me in, that broke me, that broke me good. Remain consistent in your choice of streaming source or you will suffer as I suffer.
But it's all OK. Because Paul Rudd is there. At one point dressed like The Master from Manos: Hands of Fate, but there.
The "power of the runes" stops Michael from doing bad things and Paul Rudd drives everyone home because it's all fine now, everything is fine, except for Dr. Loomis who screams at his wrist, and they don't make any more Halloween movies until 1998's Halloween: H20 which pretended this sh*t never existed.
But I won't forget. I'll never forget. Because Paul Rudd was there, and he saved me. He saved us all. He was nice, he was handsome, he wore a very tight thermal shirt with a choker, he held a baby awkwardly, and he was above all else not a complete sh*tbird which in this movie might as well make him an ANGEL.
What I'm saying is this is a terrible movie but Paul Rudd is pretty cool. Let's all scream at our wrists about it.