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Over the past 11 years and 22 movies, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has kept us on the edge of our seats with action, suspense, humor, and most importantly: superhuman butts very critical to its lore.
What’s that, reader? You’ve watched every film in the MCU and not once picked up on the carefully crafted butt lore of the MCU? Well, sit back on your hopefully cushioned posterior, because I’m about to give you a master class in everything you need to know about the most important butts ever to grace the silver screen. After all, I'm somewhat of an expert on the subject.
Well, almost everything you need to know about the butts of the MCU; I’ve got to save some butts for those of you who graduate to the expert-level class.
The first incarnation of Captain America in the MCU, Steve Rogers is a man lost in time, frozen in ice in the 1940s, and brought back to a world not quite his own. As such, when discussing his butt, I think it’s important to acknowledge butt-based preferences of the era in which he was frozen.
We know he has a chiseled muscle butt, but which variety of chiseled muscle butt? Well, post-World War 2, America was very much invested in showing its strength as a nation, proving that the war had not used up reserves of strength. As such, strong angular butts were popular at the time.
Combine the super serum, Steve’s intense drive for self improvement, and the post-war drive for angular butts, and we get a picture of a butt that has not an inch of cushioning on it. This is a butt too rock solid to get a handle on. It’s functional, it’s amazing to gaze upon, but not offering a satisfying squeeze.
Back in 2008 when the first Iron Man released, the character of Tony Stark lacked a truly stellar butt. Sure, he might have had one while he was at the top of the world as a weapons dealer, but I’m sure after a few weeks held hostage and living hooked to a car battery, that ass melted away.
What makes Tony Stark as a hero so interesting is not his inherent strength or power, it’s his ingenuity and bravery, his ability to invent a solution when there’s a problem to solve. Tony Stark lacked a truly firm, powerful, impressive butt, so he made his own.
The Iron Man suits are Tony Stark’s way to create the perfect butt he wasn’t born with.
Winding way back to the original Avengers movie, as Bruce Banner is transforming into the Incredible Hulk, he reveals that the secret to his ability to become the green beast is that he’s always angry.
It stands to reason then that Hulk has the same physiological reactions most of us do when angry, but constantly. What we're saying is, clenched butt cheeks.
It’s not until Endgame, where Hulk and Banner reconcile their differences and become one combined harmonious being, that Hulk can finally let go of that anger, and relax his cheeks.
As a villain, Thanos valued balance in all things, above all else, at any cost. As such, it stands to reason that his butt too would be perfectly balanced. Each cheek toned to perfection, no side favoured over the other. Also, you know those muscles are strong and tight, that’s why none of those Ant-Man flies inside him theories made it into the movie. No way he’s strong enough to fight past those iron glutes.
The trickster god of the MCU, it’s impossible for us to truly know what Loki’s butt looks like. One would assume it looks like the butt of actor Tom Hiddleston, but that seems too easy. It's what he wants us to think. Why does he need tricks and illusions? I’m guessing his butt is deceptively subpar.
Captain Marvel’s debut MCU film takes place slap-bang in the middle of the 1990s, a time when female butts were, for the first time, being celebrated no matter their size or shape. On one end, we had the Kate Moss butts, so tiny and flat they basically ceased to exist, while on the other end Jennifer Lopez showing off her big beautiful backside. It was a time of butt-based liberation.
It seems fitting that Captain Marvel, a film about a woman realizing she doesn’t need to be controlled by the expectations of men who would seek to limit her power and uniqueness, is set during this time of free buttdom.
We can see from several shots in the movie that Danvers has a butt that’s toned, but not so much that it’s impossibly attainable. However, that’s not actually important. What’s important about her butt is that no matter what her butt, she lived in an era that would have accepted her butt whichever end of the spectrum it skewed.
Look, Peter Parker is underage. We're not going there.
But his portrayer, Tom Holland, is not. And we're never going to deny ourselves a chance to post this video.
As the god of thunder, we know more about the functions of Thor's butt than the appearance. Let’s just say thunderous applies to his toots just as much as it does his fighting style.
Ant Man can make himself huge or tiny at will. His butt can be whatever size you want. Seriously, this might be the most desirable butt in the MCU.
I’m pretty sure his huge butt has to be somebody out there’s very specific kink. If that’s you, I’m glad I could put that mental image in your head for a moment.
And there you have it, our beginner's masterclass in MCU butt lore. If you’ve completed the first set of course material and are eager to learn more about MCU butts, let us know so we can arrange another lesson soon.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.