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6teen is a 2004-2010 animated series featuring six 16-year-olds working in their local Canadian mall. Their plan is all to work in the same mall so that even when they are being fiscally responsible they can still all hang out. But is 6teen secretly about something else entirely?
Jonesy Garcia is one of our six 16-year-olds. He's a freewheelin' guy who has to get a new job every episode because he's actually very bad at being a responsible employee. But think about that for a moment: How many job opportunities could there be in one mall?
6teen lasted 93 episodes. Is it possible that there are 93 different retailers in that mall? Maybe. But is it possible that there are 93 managers, none of whom would let any of the other store managers know that Jonesy is a bad employee? Not likely, friends. In fact, as a former resident of the state of New Jersey, the mall state, and hence someone who has worked badly in many malls, I can tell you for a fact that there's no way Jonesy got 93 different jobs. I'm saying he could have worked at two full stores and a single sunglasses/Stacker kiosk at most before having to seek employment at the crappy mall down the street. Not that I speak from personal experience. Ahem.
Another thing about 6teen is that other than Nikki Wong, who is of nebulous Asian descent, all the girls on the show, especially the ones in the background, look virtually identical. Most of the differences can be found in hair color and styling and that's it. Now, sure, you might say that's just because the show's producers were saving money on animation, but that's just what they want you to think. There's another motivation here.
But before we get to that, there's a third thing to consider, and that is this: These kids basically never leave the mall. Almost the entire show is set in one location, and that location is a mall. Now, sure, if this cartoon came out in the '80s or '90s, I could get behind that. I remember how the culture was during that time. You went to the mall to catch up with your friends because that was the only way to do it. But by 2004, Facebook existed, as did MySpace and multiple other proto-social media platforms ... all of which combined to render teenage mall culture obsolete. By 2006, by which time Twitter existed, teenagers didn't hang out in malls at all.
So those are our three points: the unlikely job situation, the unlikely mall location, and the unlikely ... all-the-girls-look-alike situation.
Conclusion? Jonesy is actually in The Matrix! And that Matrix is also HELL. Think about it: Six teens who are all 16 years old and the show ran for six years? 666! And, yeah, also all the janky inconsistencies which make it clear that 6teen was crafted in a proto-Canadian Matrix. Whoa. Not since my "The Olsen Twins are part of Deep State" theory have The Truth doors been blown so wide open.
On tomorrow's episode, there won't be any cool conspiracy reveals, but Julia Claire will be talking about Hey, Arnold!, which is probably one of the most popular Nicktoons of the last quarter century. I guess that's okay. The entire series is for sale on YouTube if you want to watch along. See you tomorrow!