The Island
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Credit: DreamWorks

47 thoughts we had while watching The Island

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Jan 24, 2020, 8:13 PM EST (Updated)

In 2005, Michael Bay made a small indie mumblecore film called The Island. Just kidding. It's your usual Michael Bay fist pump on fire with boobs. But this one has Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson as clones who learn how to kiss and ride flying motorcycles and do passable Scottish accents. It's art.

In this special FANGRRLtopia-edition Deja View, we watched The Island. And while the utopia of the film is a lie, the FANGRRLtopia is real because this movie has two Ewan McGregors. WE ARE BLESSED.

  1. Sean Bean is in this movie. I don't expect good things for him.
     
  2. The film opens with Scarlett Johansson looking gorgeous on a boat, her silky garments floating around her, before immediately being pulled underwater like a broken Egoiste commercial.
     
  3. MOTORCYCLES. BABIES. WATER. VEINY MEN. PILLOWS. SUNGLASSES. HAZMAT SUITS. All in like 15 seconds. This is the Michael Bay-iest.
     
  4. Ewan McGregor is in a lovely minimalist apartment where his urine is tested (he has high sodium). He has abs for days and a hundred pairs of Pumas. His tips are frosted. He is missing a shoe. This whole movie is a bad undergrad poem.
     
  5. The Island was released in 2005 and takes place in 2019. THIS MOVIE IS THE PAST AND PAST IS PROLOGUE.
     
  6. So. Ostensibly this movie is about people in white tracksuits who listen to opera and are up to win a lottery to go to the titular island, the last pathogen-free zone on Earth. Everyone is to be pleasant and stay in line and NOT HAVE TOO MUCH SODIUM, EWAN, JESUS.
     
  7. They also go tanning. Because sodium = bad but skin cancer = fine.
     
  8. I just noticed the backs of the uniforms have a mesh panel. You know. For reasons? Of back looking atting?

    Credit: DreamWorks

  9. Scarlett Johansson has a ponytail. Her superpower is being nice and getting bacon. The adults are reading Dick and Jane. I am literally just typing what I assume to be Michael Bay's sniffly and fast-talking pitch for this movie. It took two days. It is said the producers went mad, MAD I SAY!
     
  10. Sean Bean's hair is so slick you could skate on it. I wish that had been Game of Thrones' final season — everyone skating on Dead Ned's Head.
     
  11. Ewan McGregor is The One Person In Every Sci-Fi Utopia Who Questions His Situation. He also knows what French toast and powdered sugar are which I feel like doesn’t make sense. He wants more. He is a hot male be-six-packed Ariel.
     
  12. Sean Bean just syringe dropped robot ants into Ewan's eyes and my entire lower body just sucked up inside of itself. I am more buttcringe than person right now.
     
  13. Subtlety is not Michael Bay's specialty but Ewan's "there's gotta be more to life" (Stacie Orrico™) is being slammed in our faces so hard it's leaving an imprint of Ewan's forehead mole on mine. I ACCEPT.
     
  14. Scarlett Johansson's forehead is basically CGI which is BONKERS as she was 21 when this movie came out. They had to fix her wizened and ancient 21-year-old face, the old crone.

    Credit: DreamWorks

  15. STEVE BUSCEMI! This movie just got infinitely better.
     
  16. "What’s God?" We're in "what is … kiss?" territory now.
     
  17. We learn that the residents of this … white place with many Pumas … is actually a compound of clones, and "going to the island" means their organs are to be harvested for their wealthy human non-clone counterparts. Nerds like me will note this is the literal exact plot of Parts: The Clonus Horror.
     
  18. Parts: The Clonus Horror, however, does not feature ScarJo and Ewan McGregor punching each other a bunch while wearing leather pants, so you make the call which is better.
     
  19. OH GOOD, EVEN UTOPIAN CLONE-LAND HAS WAITRESSES IN SKIMPY DRESSES SERVING DRINKS TO MEN. MORE LIKE UTOPATRIARCHY.
     
  20. The creators of Parts: The Clonus Horror sued DreamWorks for ganking their whole entire plot and DreamWorks tried to have it thrown out but given that it is THE SAME MOVIE and ScarJo's performance is even wide-eyedly similar to that movie's blonde love interest, yeah, Clonus earned that settlement. This movie doesn’t even have Peter Graves in it OR one of the Bewitched Darrins. Eff this noise!
     
  21. Oh fun they learned a word.

    Credit: DreamWorks

  22. Scarlett Johansson won the lottery and is going to the organ farm island of misfit body parts. BUT THERE IS NO TIME FOR THAT IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER NIGHTMARE MONTAGE OF WATER, BOATS, A BAD MAN, WALL THROWING, MICHAEL BAY AIR GUITARING IN THE EDITING BAY SO EXCITED HE IS BY HIS OWN CHOICES.
     
  23. But at least their backs are experiencing a nice breeze and showing us the women have no bras on, which they do because those things are staying high and tight. "BUT IT'S ABOUT THE ILLUSION," Michael Bay cackles while setting fireworks off on his ab roller.
     
  24. This movie thus far has had two Black characters with more than one line — Yvette Nicole Brown as a sassy® receptionist with no name, and Michael Clarke Duncan as a terrified man who needs to be tranquilized and mocked by his white captors. Michael Bay continues to THRIVE racially and gender-wise.
     
  25. The island is a hologram powered by the big fan from Willy Wonka's factory, which seems like a lot of effort when you could just have fake windows. "BUT THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING," Michael Bay hisses while punching a steak and listening to AC/DC.
     
  26. Anyway, it's not a great day at the eugenics factory.
     
  27. Steve Buscemi's lava lamp is the real star of this movie and possibly has more backstory and personality than any other character.

    Credit: DreamWorks

  28. Steve Buscemi tries to help ScarJo and Ewan escape to the Amtrak station SPONSORED BY AMTRAK who in 2019 WILL FLOAT ABOVE THE GROUND AND LA WILL RUN ON MONORAIL. Also, Johnny Rockets still exists and I bet fries STILL cost extra.
     
  29. OK, Djimon Hounsou is here giving us ONE non-problematic Black character. A banner day for Bay.
     
  30. LOL LOOK, IT'S THE FUTURE.

    Credit: DreamWorks


     
  31. An armored car drove into a police car CHOPPING THE POLICE CAR IN HALF because Bay gonna Bay and Bay doesn't understand how crashes work he just knows they make him squee like his ship just banged for the first time and then exploded.
     
  32. In 2019 we have rocket motorcycles by the way. Just so you know. Ones people immediately crash into signs and die which is probably why we banned them here in 2020.
     
  33. There's just so much crashy crashy boom boom happening right now I can't keep up. There was a flying motorcycle chase and Scarlett dangled from a building and then a giant R fell down go boom and a helicopter went splodey and they landed nicely in a net and Our Fourth Black Character, Who Is a Construction Worker said "JESUS MUST LOVE YOU, THAT WAS THE CRAZIEST MESS I EVER SEEN" and hit on Scarly Jojo. Thriving. THRIVING BAY REMAINS.
     
  34. The most unrealistic thing in this movie is that it's raining in Los Angeles.
     
  35. Ewan goes to Ewan's house where Ewan's house is full of pictures of Ewan. This Ewan is a major douche but he has The Good Accent so you see my struggle and how this is now my favorite movie. A MURDER OF EWANS.
     
  36. Clone Baby Ewan has Douche Adult Man Ewan's memories which is why he is like I WANNA BE WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE / I WANNA SEE, WANNA SEE 'EM DANCIN'.
     
  37. Clone Baby Ewan and Douche Adult Man Ewan just did an accent-off and this movie is bad but Ewan McGregor is a perfect human.
     
  38. I can't believe they made us wait 90 minutes for the Ewan and Ewan Show. Sponsored by THIS PERFECTLY PLACED BOTTLE OF MICHELOB ULTRA AND THIS NOKIA PHONE AND ALSO THIS WEIRD CADILLAC DELOREAN.
     
  39. Honestly $5 million isn't bad for a clone friend. I'd pay $5 million for one Ewan McGregor, two is a damn DEAL.
     
  40. There's one less Ewan now and the movie is half as good.
     
  41. Scarlett just bought a bunch of kids Ben & Jerry's and is wearing a crop top. Where did she get a crop top? Actually that Douche Adult Man Ewan would just have a collection of crop tops for his conquests makes sense, I'm not gonna argue that.
     
  42. Ewan is pretending to be Ewan and is using The Good Accent and I'm into it.
     
  43. The bad guys are ogling Scarlett Johansson because even in a near-death situation Michael Bay needs us to know that THIS IS A WOMAN WHO HAS BOOBIES *guitar sting, throws devil horns with his tongue out*
     
  44. Look I joke but this movie has two Ewan McGregors and one very serious Djimon Hounsou in a leather jacket and honestly I hope it lasts forever (it's over two hours long, it does).
     
  45. Sean Bean straight up has a different haircut now. Like this is a whole-ass different head of hair. What this tells me is these might be reshoots so Sean Bean possibly died twice making this movie. THE DOUBLE BEAN!
     
  46. WE'VE GOT A WET SLO-MO EXIT FOR EWAN AND DJIMON. THIS IS ART.
     
  47. Now it's just the end of Us only super white.

    Credit: DreamWorks

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