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Other ways Disney+ can censor its racier movies
When Splash made its way to Disney+, I was thrilled. The mermaid fantasy comedy is one of my absolute faves from my childhood (which is wild because it's a REALLY horny movie) and I couldn't wait to watch it again and relive it in all its glory.
Well, not all its glory. You see, Disney+ made some slight changes.
Yes. They added hair. To cover Darryl Hannah's butt. They gave her butthair.
I mean. LOOK AT IT. This is ART. Butthair ART. Release the butthair cut!
This opened a lot of doors in my imagination. What other movies could Disney+ fix with some strategically placed fur? I have some ideas. Call me, Disney. Warning: I DON'T WORK CHEAP.
For starters, Splash is hardly the only be-bootyed movie in the Disney+ collection. Thor: Ragnarok has one very large, very green set of cakes. Hulk smash, indeed. But for the sake of fairness, we've added long, luxurious locks that would do his follicularly gifted cousin Jennifer Walters proud.
Then there's that moment in Beauty and the Beast when the Beast emerges from the bath without a hint of robe covering his bare (bear?) backside. To fix this egregious act of butt-foolery, I added more tails. Tails for days.
Nala's bedroom eyes
Arguably the most graphic moment in The Lion King is when Nala gives Simba that come-hither-down-thither glare. So I put hair on it. FIXED.
Meanwhile, Donald Duck is running around out there with NO PANTS with his nephews and uncle who also have NO PANTS. I'm not gonna put hair on ducks because that would look RIDICULOUS so instead, feathers. Plumage for their boom-boomage.
Winnie the Pooh
Pooh has a similar pantsless issue so under his shirt he's wearing the Fleabag jumpsuit, just go with it.
Gaston's chest hair isn't as all-covering as he insists in his song. In fact the presence of his scant chest stubble is more graphic than just a bare chest. So I fixed it. He's beautiful now. You're welcome.
Speaking of chests, Tarzan is nips-out 24/7. We believe in nipple equality and if the ladies can't nip-blast, nor can the men. Tarzan's regular hair could easily cover them, but he moves around a lot, so instead they are mustaches now. Manly and effective.
Speaking of nipples...
This is honestly a massive improvement.