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It's Christmas time in Riverdale. How can you tell? The murder and mayhem that usually lurk around every other corner are now illuminated by Christmas lights and surrounded by lots of garlands. And despite (or maybe because of) the ominous flash-forward the fall finale left us with, it's still a time to be cheerful and celebrate!
But what do you get the teens who seemingly have everything? (Besides the obvious of so-very-much therapy?) Here's what we'd leave under the tree for our favorite teens.
Unfortunately, the one thing Archie wants more than anything can't be found in a store. And despite all the crazy that's gone on in Riverdale, no one has actually managed to bring anyone back from the dead (yet). But knowing that Archie has had a rough year and needs some unconditional love, a puppy under the tree is the obvious solution. I know he has Vegas (or had Vegas — really, it's unclear where the dog has gone, and this distresses me), but a puppy sounds like it's precisely what the Andrews house needs.
What do you get the girl who buys herself everything? Veronica is a hard one to shop for (I feel your pain, Archie), but it's become painfully apparent over the last few seasons that she has absolutely no idea how to manage money. When she opened her speakeasy, La Bonne Nuit, in Season 3, it pulled her out of debt, but where did she get the money to do it in the first place? OK, sure, she has family money, but if she's not careful, she's going to run through it all before she leaves for college, especially with the new liquor business she's decided to start. A good financial planner, maybe an install of Quickbooks, and a few money management books are what she's going to find under her tree — before she goes broke.
Betty has been going down a dark, dark path this season. Between facing the aftermath of her father's death, learning she has the serial killer gene, and then (clearly the worst of all) not getting into the college of her choice, she's dealing with a lot of stress. What Betty needs this Christmas isn't something you can find in a store or on a shelf. That's why a gift certificate for an entire year of yoga classes with some free meditation sessions thrown in is exactly what she needs. She may find it hokey at first, but she'll be savasana-ing with the best of them before she knows it.
We're all agreeing to ignore the end of the fall finale, right? After all, there's no way Jughead is dead. Great. With that out of the way, Jughead may be the easiest one of this list to buy for. A budding writer (with the right amount of pretentiousness to pull it off) at a fancy prep school, Jughead needs the best pens and notebooks money can buy. After all, can you truly be a mystery writer if you don't have at least one over-the-top fancy fountain pen with a feather plume and a matching leather notebook to write down all your deepest secrets? Even in the age of technology, it's a must-own.
Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl. Riverdale is her world and we're just living in it, but that doesn't make it easy to shop for her. Between discovering that her mother was the one gaslighting her and making a choice to say goodbye to Jason once and for all, she's in a vulnerable place right now — not to mention that weeks of feeling haunted by the ghost of her nonexistent triplet brother has frayed her nerves. What Cheryl really needs is a really good spa weekend, one where she can sit back, be pampered, and let all her worries wash away. Bonus, it gets her out of the house where she's currently holding her mother prisoner in the bunker — which is a whole other level for Cheryl, and hopefully it will give her some much-needed perspective on how to separate herself from that criminal act.
Honestly, as much as I love Toni with Cheryl, it's about time she moved out and got her own place. Sure, living rent-free in Thistlehouse has its perks, but is it really worth all the drama, or having Penelope Blossom as an unwilling (and unwelcome) roommate? And while a new apartment doesn't fit under the tree, gift certificates to the closest home furnishing store and a nice check to cover first month's rent definitely do. Who cares if she's only 17? That hasn't stopped any of the kids from signing legal documents before. With a little help, Toni will be in her new place before New Year's and will have some room to breathe.
Leaving his time at The Farm behind him, Kevin's worked hard to get back to his normal life and forget that he was ever part of an organ harvesting cult. He's finding his groove and working to rebuild his friendship with Betty, who convinces him to join the Junior FBI (are we even surprised that this is a thing in Riverdale?) with her. While all outward appearances seem to indicate Kevin is back to normal, it's clear he's hiding some deep pain. What Kevin really needs is a week far, far away from Riverdale, where he can soak up the sun, get his flirt on, and push the remnants of the darkness away. Sign him (and his dad) up for a cruise through the Bahamas this winter break, and he'll return to Riverdale better than ever.