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SYFY WIRE What We Do in the Shadows

The 9 greatest quotes from FX's 'What We Do in the Shadows'

With the return of FX's What We Do in the Shadows for its fourth season, we've collected some of the most hilarious quotes from the vampires of Staten Island.

By Tara Bennett
What We Do in the Shadows S3

The vampires of Staten Island flap back into our lives on July 12 on FX for What We Do in the Shadows' fourth season. The new season picks up a year after the Season 3 finale with the dysfunctional family — Nandor (Kayvan Novak), Lazlo (Matt Berry), Nadja (Natasia Demetriou), Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) and Nandor's Familiar, Guillermo (Harvey Guillén) — reuniting to some big changes and Nadja's ambition to create and manage a vampire club. That scenario already primes us for a myriad of memorable quotes to come from the whole group, which in turn got SYFY WIRE thinking about some of the greatest lines the show has already given us across three seasons. 

From the pilot to the Season 3 finale, "The Portrait," there's at least one zinger of a line in every single episode of the episode so choosing the cream of the crop is almost impossible. But we've made an attempt, with the caveat that we've left the more R-rated lines off the list. And with that, we start with....

1. "BAT!" - Laszlo


In the hands of anyone else, uttering the word "Bat!" would just be a perfunctory utterance to transmogrify. But give that word to Matt Berry and he turns it into a ridiculously dramatic line reading that earns a big laugh every single time he says it. First introduced in Season 1, "Bat!" has become a mainstay in Laszlo's arsenal of singular terminology. 

2. “One human alcohol beer, please.” – Jim The Vampire

Mark Hamill as Jim the Vampire

The Season 2 episode, "On the Run," is a now a series classic as we follow Laszlo leaving Staten Island for Pennsylvania to take up as Jackie Daytona, Human Bartender. While there, Jim the Vampire (Mark Hamill) arrives to get Laszlo to pay up on a long-standing debt. No wanting to give themselves away to the human patrons of the bar, Jim lays this particularly awkward request on Jackie and ever since ordering a brew has never been the same. 

3. "Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Picasshole." - Nadja

What We Do in the Shadows

There's no one better than Nadja of Antipaxos when it comes to laying down a withering insult that goes right for the jugular. Considering their extremely long existences as vampires and their global travels, episodes are always revealing an unexpected list of luminaries who have crossed their paths throughout history. In this case, the Spanish painter's does not make it out unscathed. 

4. "Creepy paper. Creepy paper. Creepy-oh! Multipack!" - Nandor

What We Do in the Shadows

One of the earliest moments with Nandor the Relentless out in the wild. He's sent to buy party supplies and there's nothing better than watching the pale vampire weather the fluorescent lighting of a dollar store. But then you add his particular articulation of "crepe" paper and his subsequent glee at discovering it in the wild and you've got comedy magic. 

5. "It says I am 100 percent white." - Colin Robinson

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3

One of the show's most inspired additions to vampire mythology is the concept of the "Energy Vampire" with Colin Robinson. They lurk amongst humans and live for being so boring and mundane that the humans around them find their energy forces utterly sapped. Colin's whole M.O. is to be as annoyingly beige as possible, in the whitest possible ways. As such, this particular quote lands with perfection.

6. “I don't want these virgins. They are going to taste too sad.” - Nadja

Nadja and Laszlo in What We Do in the Shadows

The ever amorous couple of Laszlo and Nadja would likely say the secret to their great eternal marriage is by making it the most open marriage in all of recorded history. They've had every experience you can imagine (or not imagine) with every species out there. But in this instance, even Nadja finally has a standard and that's sad virgins. Way to kick 'em when they're down, Nadja!

7. "Laszlo doesn't suck! And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backward!" - Laszlo

What We Do in the Shadows

Following on the topic of Laszlo's prowess, there's almost no conversation that the horny vampire can't make sexual or at least devolve into double entendre. In this case, a even a standard diss directed at him gets his ego feathers ruffled in the most deliciously ridiculous way with the kind of comeback only Laszlo can do. 

8. “All secret meetings take place in the fancy room” - Nandor

What We Do in the Shadows Season 3

There's no question that Nandor is the fussiest of the vampires and his fastidious appreciation for rituals and history is a constant recurring issue for him. Whenever the vampires get to lean into pageantry or using the fancy dishes, he's all in. In this case, his exuberance for the fanciness of the secret room is 100 percent on brand for Nandor. 

9. "Yes, they are near. The smell of beef and sulfur is overwhelming." - Nadja.
"That's just Brooklyn." - Colin

What We Do in the Shadows

In their early adventures in New York City, the vampires are prowling the island where Nadja loudly laments the odors they have to endure walking the streets. And surprise, Colin ends up landing the most New York burn of them all. 

What We Do in the Shadows Season 4 debuts with two brand-new episodes, July 12 on FX. 

Got a taste for blood? You can stream Van Helsing and plenty more horror on Peacock.